Saturday, December 11, 2004

A Repost From The Recovered Archives!



This is the only surviving entry of my 5 part series of The Top 10 Guidelines for Dating. Enjoy!








The Top 10 Guidelines for Dating: Part 5

Wow. Doesn’t it suck when real life intrudes on you? Firstly, let me apologize for the lateness of this, the most anticipated of installments of my Top 10 Guidelines for Dating. I had some things going on which, as odd as it may seem, deemed it necessary to extract myself from my computer room/office/art studio/spare bedroom/storage area for my assorted crap. Strange but true.

Secondly, let me thank all the DAO readers for your patience, your e-mails asking about my well being, the phone calls, the Instant Messages, etc. I’m fine. Your Dating Guru is back and I shall not leave you hanging any longer for the last installment of your "tongue-in-cheek" instructional Guidelines for successful social interaction.

Thirdly, I thought about not writing anything at all about this next topic. The joke being I have no clue whatsoever about it and should just leave you to your own devices when it comes to this. I mean, most of this stuff (as nonsensical as it is) has come from years of almost "Max-Planck-Institute"-like scientific trail and error. But I’ve taken it upon myself to impart this information to you; I might as well go the full nine.

Also, I made the horrible, terrible mistake of telling my mother about this website and really the last thing I want is Mom reading any sort of sexual advice being given out by me. I mean, I get corrected on enough from her as it is (with good cause, mind you). The last thing I need is Mom saying, “No, Mike. You shouldn’t assume the girl is going to swallow.” Oh, Lord! Just typing that made my skin crawl!!

Mom, if you’re reading this, do me a favor and just close the window right now. Just stop reading and don’t come back to DAO for about a week or so until this bit cycles into the archives. Okay? It’ll save us all a lot of embarrassment. Thanks. Love you.

Just for a blanket “Covering My Ass” statement, anyone underage reading this might also want to go somewhere else. This is grown-up talk. Go do some online puzzles over at Disney.com and have fun… or, heck… stay and learn something. Up to you. I take no responsibility for your online reading.

I’m also going into this with the assumption that you already know how to have sex. I’m not going to reveal any of my patented “techniques” of the actual “act” itself. You are on your own with this. If you’re not good at it by now, then you need to go buy a book or something and read up on just what the heck it is you’re doing wrong. Instead this last list of Dating Guidelines is for the actual social interaction that comes with the eventual, and inevitable situations that revolve around sexual activity while dating.

So without further ado, I give you:

THE TOP 10 GUIDELINES FOR SEX (while dating)

1) First date sex? Don’t expect it. In fact, don’t even ask for it. I’m not going to say it doesn’t happen, because it does, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But usually that’s a mutual decision. 99 times out of 100 though, you need to take the high road and just don’t do it. If you ask her to have sex on your first date, you’re a jerk who is only interested in her body. However, if you wait until the fourth date, you’re a jerk because she will think you’re NOT interested in her body.

2) Second date? Guess what? They probably aren’t going to sleep with you then either. Most likely you should be in the groping stages by this time and that isn’t a bad place to be at all. Enjoy it for what it is: incomplete. If you and she are in some place where you’re making out, she’s like a first base coach. She’ll let you know when it’s time to steal second. Follow her lead. Don’t jump the gun or you’ll be tagged out. Also, take your time and be good at it. It’ll make the third date be a lot more realistic.

3) Women will usually be more comfortable letting things get out of hand by the third date. DON’T PUSH IT! However, understand for most women, it may be preferable to have full on intercourse than to stick her face in the crotch of someone she barely knows (Corollary: This depends on the woman, however. Your mileage may vary when it comes to this.). If things haven’t progressed very far by this time, you might consider looking for someone else.

4) Some things are better left a mystery, i.e. the details of the psychosexual challenges posed by your previous girlfriends. Disclosure of important medical facts should be discussed from both parties, however. If you or she is a walking, talking STD germ farm, then you damn well better let the other person know! This is just common courtesy.

5) Always carry a condom. However, never tell her you have it! This is tricky because if things are getting hot and heavy, and you think you’re about to get some; the plain and simple truth is you may be getting nothing. In fact, if you whip out the condom at the wrong moment, she may sit up and start dressing. My recommendation? Only take it out if she asks if you have one. That takes the guesswork out of it. Oh, and if she has one, don’t complain about the brand. Weird, I know. But apparently she may take it as a criticism of her shopping ability. Also, when using yours, refrain from offering her a wide selection of textures, colors, or flavors.

6) DO NOT under any circumstances refer to your penis by a proper name, such as Junior, Winky, Corky, or Basil Rathbone for instance. Don’t refer to it as a pronoun either. “Look! He likes you!” This might creep the female out a bit.

7) Unless it’s under her request, for the first time around, just go for the straight sex routine. If this applies to you, DO NOT reveal any of the weird, kinky shit that you like right from the get go. A female may get real apprehensive if you spring any of that stuff on her. Also, if she reveals any of her weird, kinky, freaky shit that she’s into, then my advice is go along with it if it isn’t going to cause you any physical discomfort (remember: Once, a philosopher. Twice, a pervert.). Afterwards, if you dig it, then continue to see her. If you don’t dig it, then bolt afterwards with a quickness and find someone else. On the upside, however, you’ll get a helluva story to tell your buddies.

8) Always hold a woman a half and hour after sex if you ever want to sleep with her again. Just check your watch or a nearby clock discretely and time it. It is okay to fall asleep, but only if she nods off first.

9) Always call the day after you’ve had sex with a woman if you want to sleep with her again (refer to # 4 and # 5 of the PHONE CALL GUIDELINES in Part 1).

10) The morning after: Do you stay or do you go? Well, it all depends on how the night before went. It’s a judgment call on your part, really. If the sex was OK, then stay for coffee. If was good, then stay for breakfast. If it was flat out hummin’, sit back, read the paper and make yourself at home. NEVER sit up in bed the next morning, say “Geez, I have a ton of work to do,” and beat a hasty retreat. Word will get around eventually, and you’ll find yourself blacklisted.

Thus endeth my TOP 10 DATING GUIDELINES series. Please note that this whole thing was intended to entertain. All five parts were meant to approach the subject with nothing but the intent of humor with bits of real, honest-to-goodness truth mixed in there as well (I’ll leave it up to you to decide which bits are truly good advice and which ones aren’t). I take no responsibility if you follow these Guidelines and they don’t work. Conversely, I will take total credit if they do.

This has been a public service from DAO, Mike Brown and Viewers Like You.

-- Mike