Gallery of Ex's

I have no idea how much trouble I'm going to get into with this post. It's something I've been kicking around in my head for weeks, and I just decided today was going to be the day. Just a nice way to start the week... with a possible shitstorm.

This is intended to be a Public Service, when or if I happen to go on a tangent and talk about my past relationships. This post will be a tool to help unfamiliar readers (those who don't know me personally) visualize the various women who are unlucky enough to be counted as my Ex's (i.e. The Former Girlfriend, The Former Wife, etc.).

BUT! I'm not posting their pictures.

I'm posting their celebrity lookalikes.

Sounds fun, no? ... Yeah, well. We'll see.

Working backwards in the timeline we'll start with the most recent.

The Former Girlfriend

Folks, it was amazing. At just the right angle, or just the right expression, The Former Girlfriend very closely resembled my longtime crush Janeane Garofalo (which is probably the closest I'll ever, ever get to living that particular fantasy out).

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The Short, But Sweet Relationship

Short, But Sweet is the best way to describe this particular Ex, because not only is it descriptive of her, but also our relationship in general. SBS bore more than a passing resemblance to Ricki Lake.

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The Bitch Who Tried To Kill Me

Unbelievably, there was a former LPN I went out with for about two months not too long after my divorce that who (alledgedly) mistakingly gave me Extra-Strength Tylenol for a massive headache I had. I get a severe allergic reaction to Tylenol and within an hour after taking the pills she gave me, I went into a massive anaphylactic shock. After calling her to tell her that I was having a severe reaction to the pills she gave me, her response was to "just suck it up and be a man." Small wonder the State of Arkansas won't let her be a nurse ever again in her life. Unfortunately, she resembles the very funny Caroline Rhea.

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The Former Wife

Oh, here's the biggie. Now, I've always said that when The Former Wife and I first met, she really resembled Elizabeth Shue (circa "Adventures in Babysitting), and I still hold to that. In fact, even when I look at her today, I still see the woman I met 15 years ago. This is the closest approximation I can give you, dear reader, of the woman I married and subsequently divorced.

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Bonus Pic!

And, because I'm not above it, and the fact that I get reminded about it damn near everytime I go up onstage when I do my stand-up comedy, here's my lookalike (until I drop 100 lbs.); Chris Farley.

It's a good thing I have my charm, because I would never get any of those fine women above on just my looks alone.

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The lambasting may now begin. :)