I Know How To Treat My Wimmins

A loyal DAO reader sent me this e-mail the other day. I told her I’d probably put it here on the site with my [running commentary] based on my actions during my last relationship with The Former Girlfriend.

I’m not saying I’m the best when it comes to relationships, but I’m certainly not the worst. I’m also not saying that The Former Girlfriend was completely and in all other ways, heinous. She wasn’t. Looking back, I still think the Pros outweighed the Cons.

Of course, it never really mattered what I thought.

Here’s the e-mail.

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How to treat a Woman. Something I have learned the hard way. [Not my title]

1. If you cheat on them, they have male relatives who can and will kick your ass GLADLY! [That may be true, but I never cheated on her.]

2. DO NOT tell your friends about you two having sex. She will find out and you'll have to deal with the afore mentioned male relatives. [I never kiss and tell. And if the subject comes up, I never give details.]

3. If you know she trusts you, go out of your way to make sure that trust is never broken.[No problem there. Once the ball was rolling on the relationship, I like to think I went out of my way for things quite often.]

4. IF you're over the age of 18, don't play high school games with her. She will get tired of you and drop your ass. [I’m so old, I’m not really sure what the Hell “High School Games” are any more. Are we talking Spin the Bottle here? Because if we are, yeah, that’d get real old real fast. No "High School Games" were played.]

5. Most women enjoy just staying at home with you. [This was actually true. Especially if one or both of us were cooking.]

6. Tell her often how beautiful she is. [I did this constantly. This never worked with The Former Girlfriend. She could never take a fucking compliment, and only on the rarest of occasions did she ever give one.]

7. If you know for a fact that she loves you, don't be jealous of her being friends with your best friend. She only has eyes for you. BUT... [Yeah. That was a problem. I never knew the love-thing for a fact. And (reportedly) she flirted HEAVILY with one of my best friends quite a bit.]

8. If you act like an ass towards her, watch your best friend. He will try to get with her just to make you look like an even bigger ass. [Well, the guy I'm referring to... he’s married, and that’s all I’ll say about that]

9. Hug and kiss her often. [Did that. I was chastised for it. She said it made her uncomfortable. That I expected too much affection from her. WTF?!?]

10. Hold her hand. Women are crazy about that stuff. [Did that. This one wasn’t crazy about it. Oh, she’d relent every so often, but if we were in public, mostly it was a “hands off” situation.]

11. If you're "just friends" DO NOT talk about getting involved unless you're meaning to do so in the extremely near future. You will only hurt her if you don't mean it. [We weren’t “just friends”. She was, at the time, My Girlfriend. That much was understood.]

12. Do NOT forget her birthday-you will pay heavy consequences if you do! [Not only did I not forget her birthday, I also remembered the day of our “first date”. No problems there.]

13. If you're out and your run into an ex or friend of the opposite sex, pull your girl close and introduce her as your girlfriend. [See #9 and #10]

14. Periods are nothing to get freaked out about. They're natural. Your freaking out will only make her feel worse than she already does. [Not only was I not freaked out about it, I mentally kept up in my mind when they were due.]

15. If she says something that hurts your pride, she has good reason. You've probably hurt her more than she'll ever let on. Contrary to popular belief, women do not just go off. There is usually a good reason. [This is utter bullshit]

16. Go with your heart. Just because she may not SEEM like your type doesn't mean she's unworthy and uninteresting. [This has nothing with TFG. I thought and continue to think that she was/is “my type”.]

17. Do NOT give her the "silent treatment"---You will make her cry and then have to deal with the male relatives. [I never shut up when there’s a problem to be talked about. I honestly can’t do the “silent treatment”]

17b. If she does cry over you, unless she's cheated on you, give her another chance. It means she really does care deeply for you. If you don't, you will regret it in the long run. [Gave her lots of chances. Of course, in the end it was me asking for another chance, even if the root of the problem was hers.]

18. If she slaps you, you probably deserve it. [She only slapped me once. I didn’t deserve it. I don't even remember why she did it.]

19. If you really care about her, tell her. And act upon it. Women live by the term "Actions speak louder than words". [Did that. Again… in the end, it did no good whatsoever.]

20. If a good woman is crazy about you, don't let her go. Women like that are few and far between. [Yeah… but what if they’re just plain crazy? What then?]