Wednesday, August 31, 2005

"You have failed me for the last time, Admiral"

This is kind of sad news for my fellow geeks (not to mention the fans, friends and family of the man). Actor, Michael Sheard has died at the age of 65.

Now some folks I've already broken this news to have said, "I don't know him."

And my reply is, "Yes you do!"

Michael Sheard played Admiral Ozzel in Empire Strikes Back (or I guess it's Star Wars: Episode V, now).

My very poor and tasteless joke (which I know only people who know Star Wars stuff will get) was.... for Star Wars fans, would the epitaph on his gravestone be:

"He's as clumsy as he is stupid."

Here's a bit of movie trivia for you though. Not only did Sheard play Admiral Ozzel in ESB, but he was also the actor that played the U-Boat Captain in Raiders of the Lost Ark and Adolf Hitler in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

ACTUALLY, he also played Hitler in several movies. Rogue Male (1976), The Dirty Dozen: The Next Mission (1985), Hitler of the Andes (2003). (okay fine... I knew about the Indiana Jones role, but I pulled those other three from IMDB.com ... sue me.)


Dazzle your friends at the water cooler with that one.

I Know How To Treat My Wimmins

A loyal DAO reader sent me this e-mail the other day. I told her I’d probably put it here on the site with my [running commentary] based on my actions during my last relationship with The Former Girlfriend.

I’m not saying I’m the best when it comes to relationships, but I’m certainly not the worst. I’m also not saying that The Former Girlfriend was completely and in all other ways, heinous. She wasn’t. Looking back, I still think the Pros outweighed the Cons.

Of course, it never really mattered what I thought.

Here’s the e-mail.

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How to treat a Woman. Something I have learned the hard way. [Not my title]

1. If you cheat on them, they have male relatives who can and will kick your ass GLADLY! [That may be true, but I never cheated on her.]

2. DO NOT tell your friends about you two having sex. She will find out and you'll have to deal with the afore mentioned male relatives. [I never kiss and tell. And if the subject comes up, I never give details.]

3. If you know she trusts you, go out of your way to make sure that trust is never broken.[No problem there. Once the ball was rolling on the relationship, I like to think I went out of my way for things quite often.]

4. IF you're over the age of 18, don't play high school games with her. She will get tired of you and drop your ass. [I’m so old, I’m not really sure what the Hell “High School Games” are any more. Are we talking Spin the Bottle here? Because if we are, yeah, that’d get real old real fast. No "High School Games" were played.]

5. Most women enjoy just staying at home with you. [This was actually true. Especially if one or both of us were cooking.]

6. Tell her often how beautiful she is. [I did this constantly. This never worked with The Former Girlfriend. She could never take a fucking compliment, and only on the rarest of occasions did she ever give one.]

7. If you know for a fact that she loves you, don't be jealous of her being friends with your best friend. She only has eyes for you. BUT... [Yeah. That was a problem. I never knew the love-thing for a fact. And (reportedly) she flirted HEAVILY with one of my best friends quite a bit.]

8. If you act like an ass towards her, watch your best friend. He will try to get with her just to make you look like an even bigger ass. [Well, the guy I'm referring to... he’s married, and that’s all I’ll say about that]

9. Hug and kiss her often. [Did that. I was chastised for it. She said it made her uncomfortable. That I expected too much affection from her. WTF?!?]

10. Hold her hand. Women are crazy about that stuff. [Did that. This one wasn’t crazy about it. Oh, she’d relent every so often, but if we were in public, mostly it was a “hands off” situation.]

11. If you're "just friends" DO NOT talk about getting involved unless you're meaning to do so in the extremely near future. You will only hurt her if you don't mean it. [We weren’t “just friends”. She was, at the time, My Girlfriend. That much was understood.]

12. Do NOT forget her birthday-you will pay heavy consequences if you do! [Not only did I not forget her birthday, I also remembered the day of our “first date”. No problems there.]

13. If you're out and your run into an ex or friend of the opposite sex, pull your girl close and introduce her as your girlfriend. [See #9 and #10]

14. Periods are nothing to get freaked out about. They're natural. Your freaking out will only make her feel worse than she already does. [Not only was I not freaked out about it, I mentally kept up in my mind when they were due.]

15. If she says something that hurts your pride, she has good reason. You've probably hurt her more than she'll ever let on. Contrary to popular belief, women do not just go off. There is usually a good reason. [This is utter bullshit]

16. Go with your heart. Just because she may not SEEM like your type doesn't mean she's unworthy and uninteresting. [This has nothing with TFG. I thought and continue to think that she was/is “my type”.]

17. Do NOT give her the "silent treatment"---You will make her cry and then have to deal with the male relatives. [I never shut up when there’s a problem to be talked about. I honestly can’t do the “silent treatment”]

17b. If she does cry over you, unless she's cheated on you, give her another chance. It means she really does care deeply for you. If you don't, you will regret it in the long run. [Gave her lots of chances. Of course, in the end it was me asking for another chance, even if the root of the problem was hers.]

18. If she slaps you, you probably deserve it. [She only slapped me once. I didn’t deserve it. I don't even remember why she did it.]

19. If you really care about her, tell her. And act upon it. Women live by the term "Actions speak louder than words". [Did that. Again… in the end, it did no good whatsoever.]

20. If a good woman is crazy about you, don't let her go. Women like that are few and far between. [Yeah… but what if they’re just plain crazy? What then?]

Monday, August 29, 2005

Gallery of Ex's

I have no idea how much trouble I'm going to get into with this post. It's something I've been kicking around in my head for weeks, and I just decided today was going to be the day. Just a nice way to start the week... with a possible shitstorm.

This is intended to be a Public Service, when or if I happen to go on a tangent and talk about my past relationships. This post will be a tool to help unfamiliar readers (those who don't know me personally) visualize the various women who are unlucky enough to be counted as my Ex's (i.e. The Former Girlfriend, The Former Wife, etc.).

BUT! I'm not posting their pictures.

I'm posting their celebrity lookalikes.

Sounds fun, no? ... Yeah, well. We'll see.

Working backwards in the timeline we'll start with the most recent.

The Former Girlfriend
Folks, it was amazing. At just the right angle, or just the right expression, The Former Girlfriend very closely resembled my longtime crush Janeane Garofalo (which is probably the closest I'll ever, ever get to living that particular fantasy out).
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The Short, But Sweet Relationship
Short, But Sweet is the best way to describe this particular Ex, because not only is it descriptive of her, but also our relationship in general. SBS bore more than a passing resemblance to Ricki Lake.
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The Bitch Who Tried To Kill Me
Unbelievably, there was a former LPN I went out with for about two months not too long after my divorce that who (alledgedly) mistakingly gave me Extra-Strength Tylenol for a massive headache I had. I get a severe allergic reaction to Tylenol and within an hour after taking the pills she gave me, I went into a massive anaphylactic shock. After calling her to tell her that I was having a severe reaction to the pills she gave me, her response was to "just suck it up and be a man." Small wonder the State of Arkansas won't let her be a nurse ever again in her life. Unfortunately, she resembles the very funny Caroline Rhea.
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The Former Wife
Oh, here's the biggie. Now, I've always said that when The Former Wife and I first met, she really resembled Elizabeth Shue (circa "Adventures in Babysitting), and I still hold to that. In fact, even when I look at her today, I still see the woman I met 15 years ago. This is the closest approximation I can give you, dear reader, of the woman I married and subsequently divorced.
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Bonus Pic!
And, because I'm not above it, and the fact that I get reminded about it damn near everytime I go up onstage when I do my stand-up comedy, here's my lookalike (until I drop 100 lbs.); Chris Farley.
It's a good thing I have my charm, because I would never get any of those fine women above on just my looks alone.
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The lambasting may now begin. :)

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Karaoke Can Do Wonders

Yes. I've done it.

I've sang Karaoke. I'll admit it.

Not recently mind you, but I've done it before. A buddy of mine is doing it on a regular basis now. Heck, he's even entering himself into contests and such. I've never personally heard him sing yet, but I will before too long.

Of course, if it's open I'll find myself going up there and doing a number as well.

The thing is, when I've done it before, I usually do it for comedic value. Songs I've performed are never usually "serious" tunes. David Lee Roth's "Just A Gigalo", and Meatloaf's "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" (when I can talk a female into doing a duet with me) have been my only repeat performances.

When I was on a business trip (man, I love saying that since in my working career I've almost never been on a "business trip"), a number of us went to the bar in the motel we were staying and sang karaoke. One of the guys, who I always thought was really funny went up after my "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" debut performance and sang "Natural Woman".

It was hilarious.

The absurdity of a guy singing this female ballad, I thought, was utterly, comedically brilliant.

If only he had capitalized on it. If he had, he would have been about 7 years ahead of The Dan Band.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Dan Band (started by lead vocalist Dan Finnerty) is absolute, 100% uncut, unrefined, pure, high grade GENIUS! If you've seen the movie "Old School", they are Frank's wedding singers. But their show? Their stage performance? Oh, my sweet heaven. It almost makes me kick myself in the ass for not coming up with this myself.

Don't believe me? Tune in to Bravo this weekend and catch their concert. It's brilliant. Absolutely freakin' BRILLIANT!

Three guys singing almost nothing but "female empowerment"-type songs.... and the women in the audience just absolutely going completely ape shit. After that show, there's not a single female in that crowd that wouldn't immediately have sex with these guys.

Utter genius.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Finding The Field

When I was a kid, every year either on or around my birthday, my dad would take me dove hunting (dove season opens on my birthday every year). It was cool, because it was sort of like the official kick off of “The Hunting Season”. If it were a weekday, after school we’d go home, get in our hunting gear, grab our shotguns, pile into the truck and go straight to some field not too far away where the farmer had just put the discs to his crop.

We’d set up on a fencerow, sitting about 20 feet from each other. We’d talk. Dad would remind me when I was about to shoot to lead my aim in front of the dove so they’d fly into the shot instead of shooting right at them. He’d do this every year, as though in the previous 364 days I had developed amnesia and couldn’t remember how to shoot a bird in flight. I listened anyway and took the advice. It was cool. Some of my best birthday memories are those afternoon hunting trips.

Of course, after a few years, I commented that it wasn’t really hunting. It was really like target practice. Dad agreed. He said the real hunting was him driving around the farm roads two weeks or so beforehand to find the fields where the birds were (something that I never knew he did; going out of his way for weeks beforehand to find the best place to continue our “tradition”. It’s pretty cool and kind of sweet, now that I look back on it. Just one thing on a long, long list of all the little things you never notice your parents doing for you until you get older.). Once you found the field, the rest was relatively easy. All you had to do at that point was wait, aim, and shoot. I’d miss some. I’d hit some. The more birds I hit, the better my aim improved. Actually, I attribute the fact that I shot at an “Expert Level” with an M-16 when I was in Army training to those formative years during dove (and quail) season.

My point is, the hard part of dove hunting wasn’t shooting at the birds. The hard part in dove hunting was finding the field where the birds were in the first place.

In the dating world, I’m in the process of “finding the field”, so to speak. What I mean by “finding the field” is finding the right person to date. That’s the hard part of dating. Once you’ve “found the field”, the rest is (or should be) easy. When a relationship starts, in my mind, I hear a voice much like how Dad would remind me the right way to shoot a dove, reminding how I need to act in a relationship. I hear it every time, as though I had developed amnesia and couldn’t remember how to treat a woman. I listen anyway and take the advice.

When shooting at a bird flying 40 mph, even though I knew what to do, there were times when my aim would be off and I’d miss. Every time I missed, I knew what I did wrong and the next one that flew by, I’d try and correct it. At least, I was in a field where the doves were, so in less than five minutes there’d be another bird flying by again. I mean, it wasn’t like the first bird I missed would cause all the other birds to completely go away, leaving us no other option but to go and try to find another field. That would really suck, considering how long it took to find the one where we were in the first place.

Being in a relationship, even though I know what to do, there are times when my aim is off, and I’ll screw up. Hey, I’m a guy. We screw up. It happens. (Oh and women screw up too. They aren’t infallible. I’m just writing this from a male [specifically, me] point of view. All this can be applied to either gender. Okay? Okay.) I will say, however, every time I’ve screwed up I knew what I did wrong and I try and correct it. I couldn’t help but think, at least I was in a relationship. I mean, when I’d screw up she wouldn't just go away, leaving me no other option but to go and try to find another girlfriend. That would really suck, considering how long it probably took to find the person to be in a relationship with in the first place.

I’ve been looking for a “field” for the last six months. In just over two weeks it’ll be my birthday and dove season is going to start again.

I have to ask, to myself if not anyone in particular (in a figurative sense), “Where the hell are the all the damn birds?!”