"Would You Believe ... ?"

... that Don Adams is dead?

KAOS Agent: Look, I'm a sportsman. I'll let you choose the way you want to die.
Maxwell Smart: All right, how about old age?

This really bums me out. Almost moreso than Gilligan (Bob Denver) dying just recently.

Get Smart was one of my favorite shows when I was a kid (it was in reruns when I saw it... I'm not that old). I remember when I was real little (like 6 or 7 years old) taking cardboard boxes that I could sit in and with crayons drawing a steering wheel and instruments inside. If it wasn't the Batmobile I was making, it was a "spy car" so I could play Get Smart.

Most people, if they didn't know him as Maxwell Smart, might know him as the voice of Tennesee Tuxedo (a cartoon that ran with Underdog) or more likely the original voice of Inspector Gadget.

Y'know, it's a shame he died at 82 instead of 86 (which was his CONTROL Agent number).

Man, Don ... "missed it by *that* much".

Wow! I'm A Pundit!

Well, I guess this proves you just never know who's reading what you write.

I tended to think that DAO existed in a ever imploding, insular bubble of various friends with the occaisional wandering straggler stubling in and possibly finding it cool enough to stick around (wandering stragglers are more than welcome, by the way).

Imagine my surprise when I found out I had been quoted on another blog. This in and of itself isn't much of a shock as I've tended to quote other people here on occaision. The blog that quoted me in particular was:

Mike Huckabee President 2008

They didn't take my quote out of context. I wasn't misrepresented that I am, in fact, what would widely be considered a "Liberal Democrat". But I did say something in support of Mike Huckabee (which I still stand by -- the Governor has done a excellent job with the various hurricane evacuees) and I guess that was enough.

So, glad I could help guys, and thanks for validating my Dangerously Accurate Opinions.

Of course this will mean more humorous ploitical slants and I may have to scrutinize my Governor more often.

But hey, whatever works. :)

You'll Never Hear About This

Just after Hurricane Katrina hit Louisiana and Mississippi (but especially New Orleans), droves of folks headed north to Arkansas. There's been very little mention of my home state providing diddly squat in the national news. Only today in The Wall Street Journal has any article (that I know of) in a "national" newspaper even commented on what Arkansas is doing for the folks who, quite frankly, don't have homes any longer.

Here's the link to the article, as I can't and won't rehash what has already been written.

Click it. Read it. Come back and continue.

Finally! We're getting some press!

My mom wondered not too long after Katrina reached the shorline why the national news were only mentioning Texas as seemingly the only neighboring state providing anything for the hurricane evacuees. It bugged her and it bugged me that there was no mention of Arkansas' herculean efforts for these people.

It's no secret to readers of DAO that I have a very low opinion of the Republican mindset and an even lesser opinion of conservatives in general. I also, on the whole, have never been a big fan of Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. Ever since he took office, I bristled at the notion of a former Southern Baptist preacher holding the highest office in the state. Why? Because, as I predicted when he first took office, he was going to use his position to legislate his morality upon the heathen masses of Arkansas (and if there's one major beef I have against conservative Republicans is their modus operandi of forcing their beliefs and more importantly their morals into laws). For all the reasons I have to question Gov. Huckabee's decisions over the better part of the last decade, I'm going to go on record right now by saying he did our state proud. For everything that the Fed's (and that includes Bush the Younger) did horribly, horribly wrong during Hurricane Katrina, Huckabee did everything right and continues to do so.

I've seen it countless times when airplanes filled with evacuees land in Arkansas, Huckabee is right there on the tarmac waiting for them. As they deplane and look around at their new surroundings, there he is shaking all their hands, looking them in the eyes, and saying, "Welcome home." It's almost... no, not almost... it flat out is what Clinton would've done.

Which got me thinking.

Huckabee has been getting more and more ink lately. He's been hither and yon in key delegate states, meeting people and pressing the flesh. It's on several pundits' minds that he's probably going to make a run for the Presidency in '08.

But c'mon. I mean, what are the chances? What are the chances of an "aw, shucks", out-of-nowhere, Governor from a southern state like Arkansas, who has been in office for nearly 10 years, who is from a little town called Hope holding the power of The Leader of the Free World?

Like that will ever happen...

... again.

(ho-boy....)

Katrina: The Gathering

I know this is like a 2%-er (i.e. only 2% of people reading this will fully get the joke), but in my websurfing I stumbled upon this image of a new Magic: The Gathering card concerning Hurricane Katrina.

My thoughts? I'm glad they haven't made "Hurricane: Katrina" booster packs. I sold all my "Magic" cards years and years ago. However, I'd almost get back on the five-color crack that is Magic: The Gathering just to buy these. Actually, come to think of it, a card game like this (with present-day political/pop-culture figures and real world events) is probably a "Million Dollar Idea".

(p.s. if you can't read the card real well, go ahead and click on it for the full size view)

Allegorically Speaking

See if you can guess what I'm talking about here...

Play along with me. Imagine you can sometimes see things in slow motion. Imagine someone is standing in front of you, and they have brought their hand back to slap the holy bejeezus out of you right in your face. As you watch their hand slowly arcing toward your cherubic cheek, you can judge that although the slap started slow, as it drew nearer and nearer toward your face, you can tell it picked up speed and force.

While you're standing there watching it, you have time to think. Ultimately you decide, "Well, how bad is it going to be? It's just a slap." You know it's coming. You know how bad it's going to hurt. Since you can see things in slow motion, you have the ability to duck. But you don't. You figure you'll just go ahead and let it hit.

Then it hits. Everything speeds up back to normal and you get spun around and knocked on the floor. You stand back up. Your face is stinging like crazy and you start to feel the swelling from the hit.

Then the slow motion kicks back in again, and here comes the other hand. Just like before, it starts slow, but builds up speed and force just like the first one. EXACTLY like the first slap. The first slap was a helluva blow. The second slap looks to be the same.

Now, what did you learn from not ducking the first time? Are you prepared for the second slap? Do you duck the second slap? Of course you do! Hell, you could've ducked the first one, but you were cocky. You ignored it. Oh, you knew the first slap was coming. You were aware of it. But, in the end, you ignored it. You don't want to get knocked on the floor again. This time, you're paying more attention. This time you're taking the slaps more seriously.

In fact, you were openly criticized for not ducking the first slap. People from all over stood in slackjawed wonderment and confusion that you let the first slap hit. If it could've been avoided; if you had the ABILITY to avoid the slap, and yet didn't do it, then people would rightly assume that you were either a masochist and you let the slap hit on purpose, or you are, in fact, mentally deficient.

Ah, but not this time. Here comes the second slap. You're ready. You're all set to duck at just the right moment. If you duck this time, you'll be a hero and maybe you can forget about that whole not-ducking-for-the-first-slap business. It'll be great. You'll feel much better about yourself.

Now, here's the question. Is the allegory in reference to ...

A) ... Hurricane Rita (or as I like to call it, "Hurricane 2: Messing With Texas" ... [rated R]) and the disaster preparedness (specifically on the Federal Government's part) going on as it crosses the Gulf of Mexico, gaining strength to a Catagory 4, and poised to slam into the Texas coast (redundantly rehashing the plot of last month's original blockbuster "HURRICANE!")?

or

B) ... my dating life.

You pick.

No Wonder Dating Is So Tough

Here are some snippets from a story that came over the Associated Press wire just a few moments ago. And it confirms something I’ve long suspected. Read on… [with my comments].

Survey Finds More Women Try Bisexuality
By MARTHA IRVINE, AP National Writer
Thu Sep 15, 7:50 PM ET

More women — particularly those in their late teens and 20s — are experimenting with bisexuality or at least feel more comfortable reporting same-sex encounters, according to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. [A-ha! I freaking knew it!]

The survey, released Thursday by the CDC's National Center for Health Statistics, found that 11.5 percent of women, ages 18 to 44, said they've had at least one sexual experience with another woman in their lifetimes, compared with about 4 percent of women, ages 18 to 59, who said the same in a comparable survey a decade earlier. [Now, this I kind of have a problem with. It would seem to me that a more accurate statistic would’ve been to survey women aged 18 to 59 again instead of shortening the cutoff age to 44. Since the second survey wasn’t exactly like the first survey, could the comparative statistic be completely accurate? Would it still be 11.5% if the 45 to 59 year olds were still included? It probably would make that 11.5% a bit less. I’m just saying (actually, I’m probably just in denial about the percentage increase.)]

For women in their late teens and 20s, the percentage rose to 14 percent in the more recent survey. About 6 percent of men in their teens and 20s said they'd had at least one same-sex encounter. [I’m 35 years old. I’m not looking to date a teenager (necessarily). But, frankly, anyone 21 or older is within my ever-widening “age range”. I’m also in Arkansas, which means 7 to 8 times out of 10, if I’m going to find a 20-something to date, it usually means they’ve already been married and/or they have a kid or two. Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with dating a single mom, but if you’re going to date a single mom, then you’re also dating the kid too and that’s tricky (in a way … not in the sick and perverted way that it sounds, but in the way that if you don’t get along with the kid/s, then you’re probably not going to last very long with the mom. I’m just saying.) Since I don’t have any kids, I’d like one of my own someday. Mostly from my experience, if they already have a kid or more, they most likely don’t want any more. So, single moms (not totally, but for the sake of argument) are, let’s say, not as completely appealing as just a regular, single, no-kid-having 20-something. Now according to this, that remaining 20% of single 20-something females that I’m likely to encounter (living where I live and based on the emperical exidence I have in my perspective) 14% of that 20% are also dating or having a relationship in some way with another female. That leaves roughly 17 women in a hundred that are single, no kids, and not munching carpet (which means a certain number of those 17 females are probably Jesus Freaks, mentally retarded, just plain ugly, or all three. So, let's be generous and half that 17 to 8 datable women for every 100.).

Damn, no wonder dating is so tough nowadays!!]

While those who conducted the survey took measures to protect respondents' privacy, researchers say it's unclear whether the figure for men was lower because they're are more likely to avoid same-sex experiences or whether they're not reporting them. [Yeah, I’ll buy that. Most guys usually don’t pony up to the fact that they’ve smoked a pole once or twice.]

It wouldn't surprise Kat Fowler, a 27-year-old art student who dates both women and men, if men were less likely to talk about their experiences.

"There's a certain higher level of discrimination (for men). It's a lot easier for women to have these kinds of experiences and be open about it because it's more accepted," said Fowler, who attends the University of Florida. [It is more accepted for women, I suppose. I mean, I wouldn’t be completely unopposed to a girl I’m dating wanting to bring in another woman. My only rule with that would be, even if I’m not involved, I still need to be in the room (I mean, c’mon… somebody’s got to hold the camera.).]

In other findings, the survey said that about 10 percent of females, ages 15 to 19, and 12 percent of males had experienced heterosexual oral sex but not vaginal intercourse. While no earlier data were available for young women, percentages for young men in 1992 were about the same, researchers said.

Those numbers dropped substantially for people in their 20s, who were more likely to have had vaginal intercourse. [I’ll buy that too. But could you just hear that conversation playing out between the two guys?

“Um… Jim? Jim? Jim! Seriously, stop for a second. I need to tell you something.”

“Whup?”

“No, I’m serious. Take that out of your mouth for a minute, I’ve got to tell you something.”

(sigh) “What? I’m using my hand too like you wanted.”

“No, it’s not that. It’s just… well… I’m going to have to call this off.”

“What? Why?”

“Well… oh, this is so tough to say.”

“Just tell me.”

“I had sex with a woman last night, and to be frank, it just felt way better than this.”

“You’re kidding?”

“Nope.”

“You had sex with a woman?”

“Yeah. And we’re going to start seeing each other regularly so, I won’t have to be doing this any longer. Sorry.”

“Hmmm… I knew something tasted different.”

“Yeah, I thought you’d notice that.”

“So, um… you want me to finish?”

“Hell, yeah! ... But seriously this is the last time.”]

My Top 10 "Obscure Comics That Should Be Movies" List

10) The Doom Patrol -- They're like the X-men without the popularity or sex appeal.
9) Viking Commando -- I actually have a screenplay/comic book story for this one.
8) Dial "H" for Hero -- The merchandising on the action figures and other toys alone would be worth this film being greenlit.
7) The Metal Men -- I think a buddy of mine (Bill) suggested this during a past conversation we had. I believe he was thinking it'd be a great cartoon. I have to agree with him, but it'd also make a great kids movie!
6) Captian Carrot and his Amazing Zoo Crew -- Again, *great* kid movie matierial.
5) Night Nurse -- Don't laugh. This is a suspense/thriller just waiting to happen.
4) Mister Miracle / Forever People / New Gods Trilogy -- Screw you guys. I wanna see it!
3) Warlord -- Swords, sorcery, dinosaurs, robot horses and laser blasters; all in the center of the Earth no less! Tell me *this* won't confuse the hell out of the general public. :)
2) Maus -- make it the first R rated CGI film. It's Schindler's List meets Tom & Jerry! Seriously though, this could be *very* good if done correctly.
1) Watchmen -- I know. I know. Paramount is *supposed* to be making it. But it may never see the light of day. If it's done well, it could be phenomenal. If it isn't, it could be another League of Extraordinary Gentlemen ((shudder)).

Assorted Crap

There’s either not much going on in my head lately to focus a “Dangerously Accurate Opinion” on, or there’s too much going on in my head and I can’t focus on just one thing. So, in an attempt to try and put something on here, I’m going to just do a scattershot musing and see where it leads.

1) A Household Word -- I honestly haven’t watched the news this much since 9/11 and I’ve never before heard so many people say my name (Michael Brown, in reference to the douche nozzle-“Head” of FEMA) who I never thought would. Just hearing almost every news anchor and topical comedian uttering the name “Michael Brown”, is both cool, weird, and slightly unsettling.

2) Diplomacy Is Over – No one really cares, but since it’s been on my mind lately I’ll mention it. The tenuous and ever-shredding sense of civility between The Former Girlfriend and myself is over and done with. It’s probably for the best. Upon reflection I really don’t want to be even casually cordial with this pathological liar. Good luck to you Nona. I wish you nothing at this point but continued misery in the Hell of Your Own Making.

3) Welcome To The Rest Of Your Life – I turned 35 last Thursday. I am in no way assuming I’m going to live past 70 years old, so, effectively I have lived half my life. The first half wasn’t too bad. More up’s than down’s, I suppose. My mind is at war with itself wondering how the second half is going to turn out (it’s the Glass Half Empty vs. Glass Half Full battle). However it ends, I know I’m still going to have to lose weight and more than likely stop smoking (which sucks, because I actually like smoking damn it).

4) Back In The Saddle Again – I’ve jumped in and started treading water in the dating pool once more. I’ll probably have more about this later on. Suffice it to say, I am currently “off the market” as it were (and for inquiring minds, yes, she too has a “celebrity look alike”).

5) Just An Observation #1 – You ever notice that handicapped parking is closest to the door, but their bathroom stalls are all the way at the end of the room?

6) A Career Move? -- So, I've been toying with stand-up comedy for 8 1/2 months now. This past week I turned in an audition tape of two of my open-mic performances to the owner of the local comedy club. I’ll keep people posted if anything comes of this. To be honest, if I could make a living just coming up with funny shit and getting up in front of people to say it, that’d be just fine with me.

7) Just An Observation #2 – It seems that my cat has made it his job to knock as much extraneous stuff off of any flat surface onto the floor. I guess everyone needs a hobby and he seems to take great joy in his.


That’s it for today. I promise I’ll have something much more coherent and amusing by this weekend.

Who's To Blame?!?

It seems obvious why the President, FEMA and the Federal Government in general’s response to Hurricane Katrina was about as sluggish as a three-toed sloth after eating three Butterball turkeys. There was, at first, no one to blame.

The first two days passed and I’m sure President Bush and the rest were waiting for Al Qaida to claim responsibility. No such luck. Although, thinking about that for a moment, how weird would it be if an Al Qaida terrorist cell out having ventured to the west African coast, set loose hundreds of butterflies in the air as a WMD powered on "Butterfly Effect Chaos Theory" to cause a repeated string of tropical storms and hurricanes to bash into the coastal areas of the United States?

Maybe I’ve read too many comic books in my life to come up with that, but it’s a conspiracy theory worthy enough to devote an entire hour to on Coast To Coast AM methinks.

Anyway...

Since there was no one at first to blame, the President, FEMA, and the Republican controlled Federal Government were caught with their collective trousers around their collective ankles exposing their massive, collective ass to thousands upon thousands of refugees.

Then, that got me thinking. The One responsible for the hurricane is going to be on thousands upon thousands of insurance documents in the coming months.

It was an Act of God.

Now, if we can go to war with an intangible “idealism” like the “War on Terror”, then why not another intangible “idealism” like God Himself? I mean, allegedly Al Qaida flew planes into three buildings and one patch of farmland. That’s kid’s stuff to what God has done. Miles and miles of coastland towns destroyed. Whole towns! A major American city virtually destroyed. A City! Hundreds of people are dead. Thousands upon thousands of people dispersed into wandering nomadic groups within their own country.

The police, unlike the brave firefighters and rescue workers that were featured so prominently in the 9/11 disaster, facing God’s Wrath lost all control of the city. Some abandoned their jobs. A few even shot themselves rather than deal with the fallout from God’s WMD.

Obviously, the first step to help the people and the city of New Orleans and the rest of the Gulf Coast to recover would certainly be a tactical military strike on The Vatican and the new Pope, then work from there. This is an especially tough decision for the Christian Right because they have just lost their biggest ally in the first “idealistic war”, the War on Terror. I mean, what a complete prick God is. One minute, He tells the President to go to war and commit thousands of National Guard troops halfway around the world, and the next minute He smacks the United States right in the gonads with a hurricane. It's like God pointed behind the United States' shoulder saying, "Oh Me! Look over there!" and then when we turned around, He sucker punched us.

No wonder the Republicans were stunned into days of inactivity. Who saw that one coming? It’s like they were all at once hit between the eyes with a Holy Ball Peen Hammer.

Oh, and I love how the blame game is shifting away from the Republican controlled Federal Government. The Feds are saying their amazing lack of lurching forward in this car crash of a national disaster was that the local and state governments of Louisiana (the mayor of New Orleans and the Governor of Louisiana are Democrats, by the way) were acting like a seat belt and an air bag keeping them from moving. Well, I must admit, I think the Governor came off a bit slow on the uptake, but the Mayor of New Orleans had been screaming for help since Day: One.

This is horrible for the thousands of people who have been affected by this storm. I feel for them and I’m sorry it happened. But, if there is any good to come of this, it’s hopefully a cast a harsh spotlight on the massive ineffectiveness of this current Administration, Congress and the Republican controlled Federal Government.

Let’s get the people of the Gulf some help, start the War on God, and then when the time comes, vote as many of these incompetent bastards out of office as we can.

The "Michael Brown" Site Of The Month

Y'know, I said I wasn't going to do this again. In the past, once a month, I would find a website out there on the back roads of the information superhighway that featured someone else named "Mike Brown" or "Michael Brown". It was meant to feature, highlight and celebrate all the wonderously diverse people walking this planet that had one thing in common. Namely (ha!), people with the same name as me.

It was like a socialogical study with a strong humanist undertone. Essentially I was trying to point out, no matter how different all the Michael Brown's in the world are, at the same time, we're all still just Michael (or Mike) Brown's.

In light of what has happened over the past week with Hurricane Katrina and it's after effects, I couldn't help but revive a feature that I used to use much like a floor buffer to keep the once dusty halls of DAO clean and sparkling. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ...

The "Michael Brown" Site Of The Month!

September 2005

Yes, it's the most prominant "Michael Brown" as of this date! Click on the link and let your neurons spark as you read all about:

Under Secretary of Homeland Security for Emergency Preparedness and Response, Somewhat Deserved Media Punching Bag, Responsibility Scapegoat and All Around Douche Nozzle,

Michael D. Brown!!

(oh, sweet, merciful torture... he even has the same middle initial as me...)

Dangerously Accurate Opinions about Hurricane Katrina and the aftermath will be forthcoming in the next few days. A word of warning, however. I have no idea if it'll be anywhere near a comedic take on this event as per usual 'round these here parts.

Stay tuned...