It's no great secret that I'm against "the war". Hell, I'm not even sure who we're fighting at this point. Terrorists? Iraqi insurgents? Any Muslum that wanders in our crosshairs? All of the above?
For my seemingly weekly (weakly?) news/comment post, here's a little diddy that Reuters reporter Will Dunham wrote that came across the wire a little over an hour ago. As always, here's the report in it's entireity [with my comments].
US defends use of white phosphorus
By Will Dunham [... who, as far as I know... no relation to comedian/ventriliquist Jeff Dunham (who is making a nice comeback, by the way. Sorry Jeff, I know you really never "went away".)]
The Pentagon on Wednesday acknowledged using incendiary white-phosphorus munitions in a 2004 counterinsurgency offensive in the Iraqi city of Falluja, but defended their use as legal. [Of course he did. If we do it, it's perfectly legal.]
Army Lt. Col. Barry Venable, a Pentagon spokesman, said the U.S. military had not used the highly flammable weapons against civilians, contrary to an Italian state television report this month which said the weapons were used against men, women and children in Falluja who were burned to the bone. [Well, c'mon ... with all those civilians running around a few of them are bound to get hit. C'mon Italy! It's not like we were actually aiming at those Iraqi women-folk! Not with our illegal chemical weapons we weren't! I mean LEGAL! We were using these illegal chemical weapons legally! It's kind of like having a perscription for "medical" marajuana. Think of it that way. Plus, it's really hard to aim that Willy Pete (that's the rumored slang term for White Phosphorus). And those kids? Well, it was like Jim Henson's Irsurgancy Babies out there. They had to be taken out!]
"We categorically deny that claim," Venable said.
"It's part of our conventional-weapons inventory and we use it like we use any other conventional weapon," added Bryan Whitman, another Pentagon spokesman. ["I mean, if you want to talk WMD's, don't even get me started on how many nukes on ICBMs we still have active," he continued. "These people need to count their blessings to Allah (or whoever) that the President doesn't just get bored with this whole 'war thing' and we start dropping those babies! He's already commisioned military artists to draw pictures of crucifixes and the face of Jesus on most of our nukes. Let me tell you, those Muslums will shit their robes when they see the true dipiction of our Lord and Savior with his true northern Eurpoean caucasion complexion and his piercing blue eyes bearing down on them on a missile of Holy Redemtion!"]
Venable said white phosphorus is not outlawed or banned by any convention [which is a lie]. However, a protocol to the 1980 Convention on Conventional Weapons forbids using incendiary weapons against civilians or against military targets amid concentrations of civilians. [See? But, lo! What light from yonder loophole breaks?]
The United States did not sign the protocol. [heh heh... ain't we a stinker?]
White phosphorus munitions are primarily used by the U.S. military to make smoke screens and mark targets, but also as an incendiary weapon, the Pentagon said. They are not considered chemical weapons. [This may be confusing. It's a chemical. It's used as a weapon. But it's not a "chemical weapon"? Well, if you want to split hairs, that's actually correct. Incendiary agents such as napalm and phosphorus are not considered to be CW (chemical weapon) agents since they achieve their effect mainly through thermal energy.] The substance ignites easily in air at temperatures of about 86 F (30 C), and its fire can be difficult to extinguish. [Actually, it's damn near impossible to extinguish, unless you can flush the burned area with water and/or saline mixed with coppor sulphate. And you know there's lots of that stuff just laying around out there in those desert towns.]
U.S. forces used the white phosphorus during a major offensive launched by Marines in Falluja, about 30 miles (50 km) west of Baghdad, to flush out insurgents. The battle in November of last year involved some of the toughest urban fighting of the 2-1/2-year war.
Venable said that in the Falluja battle, "U.S. forces used white phosphorous both in its classic screening mechanism and ... when they encountered insurgents who were in foxholes and other covered positions who they could not dislodge any other way." [Whatever happened to lobbing a damn grenade? I know when I was doing my Army training we had to throw grenades all the time. And if you can't throw it that far, whatever happened to using a grenade launcher? Perfectly legal stuff there. Gunpowder... metal shrapnel... not the chemical kind that will continuously burn into your flesh with a white hot flame, just good ol' normal metal shards ripping into you? Whatever happened to that? Too mundane? Not flashy enough?]
He said the soldiers employed what they call a "shake-and-bake" technique of using white phosphorus shells to flush enemies out of hiding then using high explosives to kill them. [Emphasis on "bake", I guess. I can see an interview with a soldier at the time, "Well, we had these insurgents that we just couldn't decide what to do with, plus it was only 45 minutes until chow time. So, we decided to cook them up with a little 'shake-and-bake'."
Pan down to a 5 year old little girl, wearing a kool-aid stained t-shirt with the words "Git 'Er Done" above a Confederate Flag. loading another white phosphorous shell into a launcher, "And I ha-yulped."]
The Italian documentary showed images of bodies recovered after the Falluja offensive, which it said proved the use of white phosphorus against civilians. [Actually, in my meager research on this story before I decided to comment on it, I saw some of those pictures. Lots of crispy dead people. One was a baby. I guess it's called "friendly fire" (bad pun) or "acceptable losses" or "inadvertant casualties". I guess the point is, we probably shouldn't have used what most of the rest of the world considers illegal chemical weapons, but hey ... I guess America's arguement is, "Die from being chemically roasted to death or die from a bullet... dead is still dead."]
"We don't target any civilians with any of our weapons. And to suggest that U.S. forces were targeting civilians with these weapons would simply be wrong," Whitman said. [Two words here: Collateral Damage. Note he's not saying that civilians weren't killed. We just weren't directly aiming at them. Which, of course, makes it perfectly okay.]
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Monday, November 14, 2005
The Hard Five
For the longest time, I've had this list that I call "The Hard Five". Other people have different names for it, but essentially it is a list of people (usually celebrities) that, if you have a "significant other", you are allowed to "be with" whoever is on your list.
You get the idea.
Anyway, my "Hard Five" is constantly in flux. I pull people in and out of the bottom two slots all the time. Currently here is how it stands now (and yes, there is somewhat of a theme):
1) Janeane Garofalo -- She's held the #1 slot for several years now. Thankfully the break up with The Former Girlfriend, who bore more than a passing resemblance to Ms. Garofalo, didn't tumble Janeane off the list.
2) Rachael Harris -- Moving up the list from her normal lock in the #4 spot, Racheal has the distiction of being the only blonde on the list.
3) Tina Fey -- Notice the trend yet?
4) Julia Louis-Dreyfus -- Okay... fine... so I couldn't immediately find a picture of Julia Louis-Dreyfus with a pair of glasses on, so in her true comedic fashion, this will have to do.
5) Alex Borstien -- What can I say? My weakness for cute, funny, curvy, short brunettes creeps in even on my Hard Five (and that combo always trumps the whole "glasses" thing).
So class... aside from my "glasses fetish", can anyone tell me what all five of these women have in common?
:)
You get the idea.
Anyway, my "Hard Five" is constantly in flux. I pull people in and out of the bottom two slots all the time. Currently here is how it stands now (and yes, there is somewhat of a theme):
1) Janeane Garofalo -- She's held the #1 slot for several years now. Thankfully the break up with The Former Girlfriend, who bore more than a passing resemblance to Ms. Garofalo, didn't tumble Janeane off the list.
2) Rachael Harris -- Moving up the list from her normal lock in the #4 spot, Racheal has the distiction of being the only blonde on the list.
3) Tina Fey -- Notice the trend yet?
4) Julia Louis-Dreyfus -- Okay... fine... so I couldn't immediately find a picture of Julia Louis-Dreyfus with a pair of glasses on, so in her true comedic fashion, this will have to do.
5) Alex Borstien -- What can I say? My weakness for cute, funny, curvy, short brunettes creeps in even on my Hard Five (and that combo always trumps the whole "glasses" thing).
So class... aside from my "glasses fetish", can anyone tell me what all five of these women have in common?
:)
Monday, November 07, 2005
"Face It. You Can't Torquemada Anything!"
Bush the Younger gave a speech today from Panama City.
Here's the Associated Press news story with, as always, [my comments].
Bush Declares: 'We Do Not Torture'
By DEB RIECHMANN, Associated Press Writer
President Bush vigorously defended U.S. interrogation practices in the war on terror Monday and lobbied against a congressional drive to outlaw torture. [Read that again. He's defending the interrogation methods, but at the same time he doesn't want Congress to outlaw torture. Seems to me, if the interrogation methods are sound, outlawing torture shouldn't (or wouldn't) make a difference. Right?]
"There's an enemy that lurks and plots and plans and wants to hurt America again," Bush said. "So you bet we will aggressively pursue them but we will do so under the law."
He declared, "We do not torture." ["As far as you know, I mean. Besides, that word 'torture', is so relative. I mean, I understand my daughters like to be spanked while having sex. Heh... I know Laura does. Is that torture? Heck, no. Although if we spanked prisoners, I'm sure those liberal Democrats or that trucker from Bald Knob, Arkansas would call it 'torture'. Lemme tell ya. This whole 'torture' thing is out of hand. Folks just need to stay out of our business."]
Over White House opposition, the Senate has passed legislation banning torture. [Remember folks, this is a Republican controlled Senate, and they still voted to ban torture over Presidential protest.] With Vice President Dick Cheney as the point man, the administration is seeking an exemption for the CIA. [I can hear it now, "Okay. Okay. So our Army, Marines and the F.B.I. can't torture people, but c'mon ... you gotta let the C.I.A. do their thing. I mean, keeping them from torturing people... that's just not cool. That's how they roll."] It was recently reported that the spy agency maintains a network of prisons in eastern Europe and Asia, where it holds terrorist suspects. [and tortures them... apparently. And who else is surprised we have a friggin' network of prisons in foreign lands?]
The European Union is investigating the reports, which have not been confirmed by the White House. The story was first reported by The Washington Post. [Evidentally the E.U. was just as surprised as you and I are.]
"Our country is at war and our government has the obligation to protect the American people," Bush said. "Any activity we conduct is within the law. We do not torture." ["Well, except the C.I.A. Again, that's how they roll."]
Bush pointedly noted that Congress as well as the White House has an obligation to protect U.S. citizens.
Not only is the Republican-controlled Congress challenging an element of Bush's policy, but the Supreme Court agreed Monday to consider a challenge to the administration's handling of military tribunals for foreign terror suspects. [Do you get the feeling that the Republicans are feeling like they are backing the wrong horse in this race?] The case, which won't be decided for months, [Big surprise there. I mean, Bush has to get his judges in place first before this sort of thing is decided.] is a major test of presidential wartime powers.
The United States is holding hundreds of foreign terrorism suspects, also, at the military base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. [Foreign terrorism guests of the United States, stay at beautiful, sunny "Gitmo Resort and Spa" ... Come for the horrid tropical humidty. Stay for the unchallenged C.I.A. sponsored torture!]
Bush spoke at a news conference with Panamanian President Martin Torrijos on last day of five-day Latin America trip. Bush was ending the day in Virginia, where he was to campaign for Republican gubernatorial candidate Jerry Kilgore just ahead of Election Day.
On another issue, Bush ducked a question about the CIA leak investigation, declining to say whether he has lived up to his campaign pledge in 2000 to abide by the spirit of federal ethics laws.
"We take this investigation very seriously and we'll continue to cooperate during the investigation," he said. [At this rate, continuing to cooperate means, "We're going to stall the living Hell out of this until you get tired of wanting an answer. In the meantime ... two words to distract you from it. BIRD FLU!"]
Bush expressed his condolences to victims of a tornado that hit Indiana over the weekend. ["I also lost the betting pool," Bush continued with a smirk. "I had $100 that the next natural disaster was going to hit a 'blue state'."]
Here's the Associated Press news story with, as always, [my comments].
Bush Declares: 'We Do Not Torture'
By DEB RIECHMANN, Associated Press Writer
President Bush vigorously defended U.S. interrogation practices in the war on terror Monday and lobbied against a congressional drive to outlaw torture. [Read that again. He's defending the interrogation methods, but at the same time he doesn't want Congress to outlaw torture. Seems to me, if the interrogation methods are sound, outlawing torture shouldn't (or wouldn't) make a difference. Right?]
"There's an enemy that lurks and plots and plans and wants to hurt America again," Bush said. "So you bet we will aggressively pursue them but we will do so under the law."
He declared, "We do not torture." ["As far as you know, I mean. Besides, that word 'torture', is so relative. I mean, I understand my daughters like to be spanked while having sex. Heh... I know Laura does. Is that torture? Heck, no. Although if we spanked prisoners, I'm sure those liberal Democrats or that trucker from Bald Knob, Arkansas would call it 'torture'. Lemme tell ya. This whole 'torture' thing is out of hand. Folks just need to stay out of our business."]
Over White House opposition, the Senate has passed legislation banning torture. [Remember folks, this is a Republican controlled Senate, and they still voted to ban torture over Presidential protest.] With Vice President Dick Cheney as the point man, the administration is seeking an exemption for the CIA. [I can hear it now, "Okay. Okay. So our Army, Marines and the F.B.I. can't torture people, but c'mon ... you gotta let the C.I.A. do their thing. I mean, keeping them from torturing people... that's just not cool. That's how they roll."] It was recently reported that the spy agency maintains a network of prisons in eastern Europe and Asia, where it holds terrorist suspects. [and tortures them... apparently. And who else is surprised we have a friggin' network of prisons in foreign lands?]
The European Union is investigating the reports, which have not been confirmed by the White House. The story was first reported by The Washington Post. [Evidentally the E.U. was just as surprised as you and I are.]
"Our country is at war and our government has the obligation to protect the American people," Bush said. "Any activity we conduct is within the law. We do not torture." ["Well, except the C.I.A. Again, that's how they roll."]
Bush pointedly noted that Congress as well as the White House has an obligation to protect U.S. citizens.
Not only is the Republican-controlled Congress challenging an element of Bush's policy, but the Supreme Court agreed Monday to consider a challenge to the administration's handling of military tribunals for foreign terror suspects. [Do you get the feeling that the Republicans are feeling like they are backing the wrong horse in this race?] The case, which won't be decided for months, [Big surprise there. I mean, Bush has to get his judges in place first before this sort of thing is decided.] is a major test of presidential wartime powers.
The United States is holding hundreds of foreign terrorism suspects, also, at the military base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. [Foreign terrorism guests of the United States, stay at beautiful, sunny "Gitmo Resort and Spa" ... Come for the horrid tropical humidty. Stay for the unchallenged C.I.A. sponsored torture!]
Bush spoke at a news conference with Panamanian President Martin Torrijos on last day of five-day Latin America trip. Bush was ending the day in Virginia, where he was to campaign for Republican gubernatorial candidate Jerry Kilgore just ahead of Election Day.
On another issue, Bush ducked a question about the CIA leak investigation, declining to say whether he has lived up to his campaign pledge in 2000 to abide by the spirit of federal ethics laws.
"We take this investigation very seriously and we'll continue to cooperate during the investigation," he said. [At this rate, continuing to cooperate means, "We're going to stall the living Hell out of this until you get tired of wanting an answer. In the meantime ... two words to distract you from it. BIRD FLU!"]
Bush expressed his condolences to victims of a tornado that hit Indiana over the weekend. ["I also lost the betting pool," Bush continued with a smirk. "I had $100 that the next natural disaster was going to hit a 'blue state'."]
Sunday, October 30, 2005
A Class Act
So, I've been doing stand-up comedy for almost a year now. Granted it's mostly been 5 minute "open-mic" bursts of comedy one night, every other week but, hey ... it's still comedy. I've performed at different clubs, but my "home club", as it were (where I started and where the bulk of my performing has been), is The Loony Bin Comedy Club in Little Rock, Arkansas.
Since I've been doing this, I've met a LOT of comedians. A few were a bit stand-offish to us "open mic"-ers. After all the sets are done and the crowd is leaving, we'll generally stand around and sort of do a "post game" wrap up. Those of us who are marginally serious about doing comedy as a career find this is usually the best time to actually talk briefly with the people who have actually MADE a career out of it. We'll go up to the Feature Act or the Headliner after the show, joke about the crowd, compliment them on having a good set ... whatever. What we're really doing is semi-sorta sucking up to these people, trying our best to get some pearl of wisdom from them about either the comedy craft or the business or both.
Like I said, some of them bristle at our awkward attempts at conversation about comedy. Others, however, welcome the fact that those of us dipping our big toes in the comedy pool to test the waters want to know what it's like when your swimming in the deep end. Generally the comedians who are approachable and friendly are of two types:
Kelly Moran is a nationally touring comedian with over 19 years of experience. He not only headlines most venues, he has also worked with many different performers including Chris Rock, Dana Carvey, Richard Lewis, Dave Attell (from Comedy Central's "INSOMNIAC"), Bobcat Goldthwaite and Carrot Top. He also had an 18 month tour with another Saturday Night Live alum, Victoria Jackson. His comedy career started out by playing piano at L.A.'s famed Comedy Store, where he played for more than two years. He tickled the ivories for such great performers as Jim Carrey, Eddie Murphy, Robin Williams, Bruce Willis, Louie Anderson, Damon Wayans, Paul Rodriguez, Richard Pryor, Garry Shandling, Bob Saget and many, many more. After educating himself at the "Store", Kelly went off on his own and carved his own niche on the comedy circuit, where he has been recognized as one of the top stand up comedians touring today.
The guy has been around.
Which was why I was actually really thrilled that he talked with me as long as he did (for 20 minutes, or so, after the show ... the club people were really wanting us to leave). Being a recovering musician myself, I've always had a facination with musical comedians. I asked him about playing the piano at the Comedy Store and rubbing elbows with many of the comedians listed above. You have to think, he was there when quite a few of them started. Who wouldn't want to hear some first hand anecdotes and early shenanigans about Jim Carrey or Robin Williams?
He asked me how long I had been at the comedy thing. He comlimented me on my set. He said he could tell when some comedians "have it" and who "don't". He said I "have it", and I need to keep working at it to continue to "get it". He was really the first comedian I talked to who, in as much, gave me the big thumbs up. I thought it was very cool of him to even go out of his way, cut into his time, to even talk. Then Mr. Moran told me he was co-owner of a comedy club in Amarillo, Texas. When I had an audition tape (a video of my performaces, which I finally have) to send, he told me to fire one his way.
He was a helluva guy. He was a funny guy. He had class. I truly feel privilaged to share a stage with him, even if it was just one night and I was only up there for 5 minutes.
Kelly Moran was found dead this past Tuesday in his home in Amarillo.
Shit...
My sincere condolences to Kelly's family and friends.
Since I've been doing this, I've met a LOT of comedians. A few were a bit stand-offish to us "open mic"-ers. After all the sets are done and the crowd is leaving, we'll generally stand around and sort of do a "post game" wrap up. Those of us who are marginally serious about doing comedy as a career find this is usually the best time to actually talk briefly with the people who have actually MADE a career out of it. We'll go up to the Feature Act or the Headliner after the show, joke about the crowd, compliment them on having a good set ... whatever. What we're really doing is semi-sorta sucking up to these people, trying our best to get some pearl of wisdom from them about either the comedy craft or the business or both.
Like I said, some of them bristle at our awkward attempts at conversation about comedy. Others, however, welcome the fact that those of us dipping our big toes in the comedy pool to test the waters want to know what it's like when your swimming in the deep end. Generally the comedians who are approachable and friendly are of two types:
- the ones who have been in the business a while and can appreciate the fact that there are those of us enrolling into a new "Freshman" generation of comedians because we're keeping (or trying to keep) this art form from fading away (... live comedy, I mean. You'd be purprised how many crowds I've seen that act like they are watching us on television when we're on stage, but I digress).
- the others are the ones who are just out of the gate in the business and can freshly recall when they were, not too long ago, in our shoes.
One of the comedians I've had the great pleasure to conversate with was Kelly Moran. Granted, you may or may not have heard of him, so here's a brief bio, lifted shamelessly from his own website:
Kelly Moran is a nationally touring comedian with over 19 years of experience. He not only headlines most venues, he has also worked with many different performers including Chris Rock, Dana Carvey, Richard Lewis, Dave Attell (from Comedy Central's "INSOMNIAC"), Bobcat Goldthwaite and Carrot Top. He also had an 18 month tour with another Saturday Night Live alum, Victoria Jackson. His comedy career started out by playing piano at L.A.'s famed Comedy Store, where he played for more than two years. He tickled the ivories for such great performers as Jim Carrey, Eddie Murphy, Robin Williams, Bruce Willis, Louie Anderson, Damon Wayans, Paul Rodriguez, Richard Pryor, Garry Shandling, Bob Saget and many, many more. After educating himself at the "Store", Kelly went off on his own and carved his own niche on the comedy circuit, where he has been recognized as one of the top stand up comedians touring today. The guy has been around.
Which was why I was actually really thrilled that he talked with me as long as he did (for 20 minutes, or so, after the show ... the club people were really wanting us to leave). Being a recovering musician myself, I've always had a facination with musical comedians. I asked him about playing the piano at the Comedy Store and rubbing elbows with many of the comedians listed above. You have to think, he was there when quite a few of them started. Who wouldn't want to hear some first hand anecdotes and early shenanigans about Jim Carrey or Robin Williams?
He asked me how long I had been at the comedy thing. He comlimented me on my set. He said he could tell when some comedians "have it" and who "don't". He said I "have it", and I need to keep working at it to continue to "get it". He was really the first comedian I talked to who, in as much, gave me the big thumbs up. I thought it was very cool of him to even go out of his way, cut into his time, to even talk. Then Mr. Moran told me he was co-owner of a comedy club in Amarillo, Texas. When I had an audition tape (a video of my performaces, which I finally have) to send, he told me to fire one his way.
He was a helluva guy. He was a funny guy. He had class. I truly feel privilaged to share a stage with him, even if it was just one night and I was only up there for 5 minutes.
Kelly Moran was found dead this past Tuesday in his home in Amarillo.
Shit...
My sincere condolences to Kelly's family and friends.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
We've lost Red Six...
Like Jek Porkins (Red Six) from Star Wars: (Ep IV, A New Hope).
or...
The "bureaucratic fool", Major Eaton, from Raiders of the Lost Ark
or...
Lieutenant Eckhart, from Batman
He was a helluva character actor that made his way into several of my favorite films (and a small, walk-on part in a second season Blackadder epidose ["Great booze up, Edmund!"]).
R.I.P. Porkins
Friday, October 21, 2005
Good Television - Part 4: Guilty Pleasures
Ah, yes ... the "guilty pleasures". Everyone has them. The television shows that you love no matter what. Those shows that you just have fun watching. You know the ones. Nowadays, for many people it's normally some sort of "reality tv". Well, yeah, there's (sort of) a little bit of that in there with me. I've peeped my fair share of "reality tv". Hell, at one point, I was selected by a major network, flown to beautiful, sunny Burbank, California for a week because someone, somewhere thought I should've been on a "reality" show. Not all these shows featured below are "reality tv", but they are shows that I just have a ball watching for one reason or another. Also, the best part about this particular catagory is there's really no right or wrong show to pick. Everyone has their favorites. If mine are on your list, then cyber back me a big high five. If mine aren't on your list, then pimp out the show that is! It's a free for all!
Time to start the ballroom blitz!
Iron Chef -- Ever since I saw Kaga Takeshi take a bite out of that bell pepper in the show's opening sequence I was hooked. When I saw the episode where the secret ingredient was octopus and the Iron Chefs were picking them, live mind you, out of the the big ass tank and beating the living crap out of them to cook them, I was a disciple. It's not quite the show to glean recipies off of, but it is a helluva thing to watch. I mean, having only an hour to prepare gourmet dishes on the fly? That's impressive no matter what country it's from. Oh, and speaking of that, I do prefer the original Japanese version of the show. I liked the American version to be sure, but the original Japanese version is the best. Those Chef's get nuts. I mean, you'd never get Fish Ice Cream on the American version. That's just awesome!
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart -- Laugh out loud funny. All of it. Filed directly under "Stuff I Should Have Come Up With When I Had Access To Raw News Feeds And A Television Studio", TDS is without a doubt a "do not miss" show for me (surprise, surprise). I've watched this show unerringly from the first episode back when Craig Kilborn hosted. Then Jon Stewart perfected it. Heck, even reporting what he calls "the fake news" has wierdly thrust Jon into the realm of quasi-punditry. The multiple Emmy's (and a Peabody Award) Jon and the show has earned give well-deserved credibility to, what I consider, one of the best social commentary shows on the air today. The hilariously brilliant, scathing "reporting" (i.e. comedy) on the national and world news events is partly one of the reasons Dangerously Accurate Opinions was even born. Television gold, baby. Sweet, sweet television gold!
Real Time with Bill Maher -- Ah, yes... rearing it's head, once again is (say it with me) ... the HBO. Mad props to the HBO for giving a home to Bill Maher after Politically Incorrect was completely hamstrung by ABC. Quite frankly, Bill needed to be on the HBO. Bill needed to be unfettered, as it were, to do the show that he wanted to do without the shackles of S&P (Standards & Practices) or the FCC crawling on (and in) his ass. I've been a fan of Bill Maher since his stand up comedy days. Hell, I was even a fan before he was in the movie Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death! The point is on this show. many a time have I thought it, and Bill has said it. Bill Maher (to me, at least ... again, no big surpirse here) has, and continues, to cut through all the bullshit surrounding an issue and go straight for the jugular. As has sometimes been said about yours truly, Bill Maher is often rude, frequently amicable, more times than not (dare I say it?) "politically incorrect", and always funny. [side note: Is anyone getting tired of me calling it "the HBO" yet? LMAO!!! ... heh heh ... (sigh) I don't care. Sometimes these things are just for my amusement. ]
Celebrity Poker Showdown -- To me, for the longest time, watching poker on television was just shy of watching a golf or a fishing show. Then CPS came along, and I caught it a couple of times (usually really late when there was nothing else on but informercials). It was pretty fun to watch, plus I had no idea how to play Texas Hold 'Em. So, I watched every now and then. I started paying attention to how they were playing. I'd listen to poker expert and co-host Phil Gordon on what each player was doing wrong and right. My intrest was piqued. This show slowly grew on me like a fungus. I really like this show now. I love to see how these comedians, actors and singers interact with each other. Even more, I even started playing Hold 'Em poker online to kill time. Beware this show. Start watching it at your own risk (especially if you're any kind of "gamer"). You will get hooked. You've been warned.
Honorable Mentions:
Time to start the ballroom blitz!
Iron Chef -- Ever since I saw Kaga Takeshi take a bite out of that bell pepper in the show's opening sequence I was hooked. When I saw the episode where the secret ingredient was octopus and the Iron Chefs were picking them, live mind you, out of the the big ass tank and beating the living crap out of them to cook them, I was a disciple. It's not quite the show to glean recipies off of, but it is a helluva thing to watch. I mean, having only an hour to prepare gourmet dishes on the fly? That's impressive no matter what country it's from. Oh, and speaking of that, I do prefer the original Japanese version of the show. I liked the American version to be sure, but the original Japanese version is the best. Those Chef's get nuts. I mean, you'd never get Fish Ice Cream on the American version. That's just awesome!
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart -- Laugh out loud funny. All of it. Filed directly under "Stuff I Should Have Come Up With When I Had Access To Raw News Feeds And A Television Studio", TDS is without a doubt a "do not miss" show for me (surprise, surprise). I've watched this show unerringly from the first episode back when Craig Kilborn hosted. Then Jon Stewart perfected it. Heck, even reporting what he calls "the fake news" has wierdly thrust Jon into the realm of quasi-punditry. The multiple Emmy's (and a Peabody Award) Jon and the show has earned give well-deserved credibility to, what I consider, one of the best social commentary shows on the air today. The hilariously brilliant, scathing "reporting" (i.e. comedy) on the national and world news events is partly one of the reasons Dangerously Accurate Opinions was even born. Television gold, baby. Sweet, sweet television gold!
Real Time with Bill Maher -- Ah, yes... rearing it's head, once again is (say it with me) ... the HBO. Mad props to the HBO for giving a home to Bill Maher after Politically Incorrect was completely hamstrung by ABC. Quite frankly, Bill needed to be on the HBO. Bill needed to be unfettered, as it were, to do the show that he wanted to do without the shackles of S&P (Standards & Practices) or the FCC crawling on (and in) his ass. I've been a fan of Bill Maher since his stand up comedy days. Hell, I was even a fan before he was in the movie Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death! The point is on this show. many a time have I thought it, and Bill has said it. Bill Maher (to me, at least ... again, no big surpirse here) has, and continues, to cut through all the bullshit surrounding an issue and go straight for the jugular. As has sometimes been said about yours truly, Bill Maher is often rude, frequently amicable, more times than not (dare I say it?) "politically incorrect", and always funny. [side note: Is anyone getting tired of me calling it "the HBO" yet? LMAO!!! ... heh heh ... (sigh) I don't care. Sometimes these things are just for my amusement. ]
Celebrity Poker Showdown -- To me, for the longest time, watching poker on television was just shy of watching a golf or a fishing show. Then CPS came along, and I caught it a couple of times (usually really late when there was nothing else on but informercials). It was pretty fun to watch, plus I had no idea how to play Texas Hold 'Em. So, I watched every now and then. I started paying attention to how they were playing. I'd listen to poker expert and co-host Phil Gordon on what each player was doing wrong and right. My intrest was piqued. This show slowly grew on me like a fungus. I really like this show now. I love to see how these comedians, actors and singers interact with each other. Even more, I even started playing Hold 'Em poker online to kill time. Beware this show. Start watching it at your own risk (especially if you're any kind of "gamer"). You will get hooked. You've been warned.Honorable Mentions:
- Dog, the Bounty Hunter -- Great show. Dog's the man. Hell, Ozzy even did the opening theme song. I'd watch this over COPS any day.
- The Colbert Report - The Daily Show's new spin off show is great. Stephen Colbert is fantastic. Too new to get a feature spot, but I'm sure that'll change over time (if they don't cancel it ... I'm still mad about Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn going away, dammit.).
- Inside the Actor's Studio -- Usually always interesting. Depending on the guest.
- Whose Line Is It Anyway? -- Both versions (the U.K. reruns and Drew Carey's version ... although I've noticed they don't rerun the U.K. shows that Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles aren't in. Dammit.) are usually always funny. [side note: Drew Carey's Green Screen show which essentially is the same show on a chromakey ("green screen") background, is also pretty good]
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Good Television - Part 3: Sci-Fi / Supernatural
Actually, I've gone over this and over this in my head as to what shows I was going to feature in this part of the DAO "Good Television" series. I'm coming up short. To be certain, there are a number of sci-fi oriented shows out there, especially now in this fall season. There are, however, very few that I would call "good". Don't get me wrong. The networks get an "A" for effort for greenlighting so many supernatural/alien invasion shows (more than I can recall in a long while), but man... none of them have really tripped my trigger. On the other hand, there are some that have. [side note: as always... click on the picture for the larger image]
Transporter room? Four to beam up...
Battlestar Galactica -- Oh, I was so resistant to start watching this show. All last year, every single one of my friends were telling me how great it was. Honestly, I wondered, "How good can it be? Starbuck is a chick, for the luvva vanilla! Feh." Then, one of my best friends sat me down and made me watch the 2-hour pilot episode. Afterwards he turned to me and asked, "Well?" -- (long sigh from me) "Bring up the next episode," I said (he had most of them on his TiVo) as I feigned slight interest. The truth is, I was hooked 20 minutes into the pilot. This is not only the best sci-fi shows on television right now. It's one of the best (not THE best, just one of the best) science-fiction shows I've ever seen, period. The first season is out on a two DVD set. If you haven't watched Battlestar Galactica yet, I highly recommend you either buy it or rent it. It's good stuff, Maynard!
Justice League Unlimited -- Folks, I know what you're going to say. "C'mon... it's the Superfriends." Well, yes and no. It's the freaking Justice League! And it's a series that is being written by folks my age who grew up on the Superfriends... so, yeah, it's the "Superfriends" in as much as there's Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman (plus tons of other heroes), but it's done very, very ... well... cool. It's one of those rare cartoons that kids will enjoy on one level, but adults will get the intricacies of the plots. Make no mistake, although it is superheroes flying about fighting supervillains, subtle aspects of, oh say... an unconventional anti-hero governmental response to these superheroes is another thing entirely. Or, say, the fact that groups of supervillains are working together to form essentially a network of criminal terrorist cells. Or, for instance, a hero's long time fiancé is leading an alien invasion fleet attacking Earth. These stories would never be told like this back in the day. The show is smart. It's full of action. It's full of drama. The characters (pardon the pun) are not two dimensional. If Family Guy is the funniest half hour of animated television, Justice League is the best animated action/drama on television. I kid you not.
Smallville -- Admittedly, I gave this show a shot four years ago and it didn't hold my interest. It seemed very formulaic with Clark fighting people who had turned into a "superpowered dude of the week" from (of all things) kryptonite radiation (WTF!?!). Every week Clark discovers a new power as he goes through high school, dealing with high school stuff ... and Hey! Lo and behold, it's the same very new power he discovers that enables him to stop this week's bad guy. Honestly, I stopped watching it after that. But, several seasons in, it seems to have found its footing, and it's good. Still not great, but it's good. Good enough for me to have not missed an episode on this new season (plus, tonight's episode [October 20th] is going to guest star a young Aquaman. I'm so there for that!). It's also good enough that, quite frankly, I tend to think it was a mistake for Bryan Singer and Warner Bros. to continue the Christopher Reeve Superman movie franchise (the movie Superman Returns will be in theaters, Summer 2006) when they probably should've and could've launched Superman anew from this tv series with Tom Welling wearing the Big Red "S". Your milage may vary.
Lost -- Screw you! It's not just a drama. It's science fiction! If there's a hidden base on the island where a button has to be pushed every 108 minutes to keep the world from ending... it's science fiction. A word of warning. There's a reason why it was touted as the best television series of 2004. Warning! Watch this show at your own risk. You will get hooked. Believe me. I only started watching it with the last episode of the first season and it had me. (*sigh*) ... Dammit.
Transporter room? Four to beam up...
Battlestar Galactica -- Oh, I was so resistant to start watching this show. All last year, every single one of my friends were telling me how great it was. Honestly, I wondered, "How good can it be? Starbuck is a chick, for the luvva vanilla! Feh." Then, one of my best friends sat me down and made me watch the 2-hour pilot episode. Afterwards he turned to me and asked, "Well?" -- (long sigh from me) "Bring up the next episode," I said (he had most of them on his TiVo) as I feigned slight interest. The truth is, I was hooked 20 minutes into the pilot. This is not only the best sci-fi shows on television right now. It's one of the best (not THE best, just one of the best) science-fiction shows I've ever seen, period. The first season is out on a two DVD set. If you haven't watched Battlestar Galactica yet, I highly recommend you either buy it or rent it. It's good stuff, Maynard!
Justice League Unlimited -- Folks, I know what you're going to say. "C'mon... it's the Superfriends." Well, yes and no. It's the freaking Justice League! And it's a series that is being written by folks my age who grew up on the Superfriends... so, yeah, it's the "Superfriends" in as much as there's Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman (plus tons of other heroes), but it's done very, very ... well... cool. It's one of those rare cartoons that kids will enjoy on one level, but adults will get the intricacies of the plots. Make no mistake, although it is superheroes flying about fighting supervillains, subtle aspects of, oh say... an unconventional anti-hero governmental response to these superheroes is another thing entirely. Or, say, the fact that groups of supervillains are working together to form essentially a network of criminal terrorist cells. Or, for instance, a hero's long time fiancé is leading an alien invasion fleet attacking Earth. These stories would never be told like this back in the day. The show is smart. It's full of action. It's full of drama. The characters (pardon the pun) are not two dimensional. If Family Guy is the funniest half hour of animated television, Justice League is the best animated action/drama on television. I kid you not.
Smallville -- Admittedly, I gave this show a shot four years ago and it didn't hold my interest. It seemed very formulaic with Clark fighting people who had turned into a "superpowered dude of the week" from (of all things) kryptonite radiation (WTF!?!). Every week Clark discovers a new power as he goes through high school, dealing with high school stuff ... and Hey! Lo and behold, it's the same very new power he discovers that enables him to stop this week's bad guy. Honestly, I stopped watching it after that. But, several seasons in, it seems to have found its footing, and it's good. Still not great, but it's good. Good enough for me to have not missed an episode on this new season (plus, tonight's episode [October 20th] is going to guest star a young Aquaman. I'm so there for that!). It's also good enough that, quite frankly, I tend to think it was a mistake for Bryan Singer and Warner Bros. to continue the Christopher Reeve Superman movie franchise (the movie Superman Returns will be in theaters, Summer 2006) when they probably should've and could've launched Superman anew from this tv series with Tom Welling wearing the Big Red "S". Your milage may vary.
Lost -- Screw you! It's not just a drama. It's science fiction! If there's a hidden base on the island where a button has to be pushed every 108 minutes to keep the world from ending... it's science fiction. A word of warning. There's a reason why it was touted as the best television series of 2004. Warning! Watch this show at your own risk. You will get hooked. Believe me. I only started watching it with the last episode of the first season and it had me. (*sigh*) ... Dammit.Honorable Mentions:
- Nightstalker -- I'm digging that they are doing a remake of Kolchak: The Night Stalker. I've watched the first couple of episodes, and with me, the jury is still out as to whether or not I like it enough to keep watching. I will say, this show has the potential to be the next X-Files.
- Ghost Whisperer -- It's Ghost meets The Sixth Sense. Decent concept, but a little too "touchy feely" for me at times.
- Invasion -- Honestly, I haven't seen it and I've heard mixed reviews. Someone give me some input on this one.
- Suface -- Same with this one. Someone out there is watching this, right?
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Good Television - Part 2: Drama
And we're continuing the "Good Television" series of posts. This time out I'm going to highlight some of what I believe to be, the best television drama out there right now. The kind of shows that make you wait that extra 5 minutes with a full bladder so you can pee during the commerical break so you won't miss a moment. [side note: oh, and you can click on the pictures for the larger image.]
So, without further ado...
House -- Frankly, I was estatic to hear that Hugh Laurie was going to star in a series here in America. Why do I say "here in America"? Because much to the surprise of some people I know, no one realized that he's British. I've been a long time Hugh Laurie fan, especially his three seasons on Rowan Atkinson's brilliantly funny Blackadder series. His comedic performances also stood out when he was along side fellow Blackadder alumnus, Stephen Fry (i.e. "A Bit of Fry & Laurie" and P.G. Wodehouse's "Jeeves & Wooster"). How utterly shocked was I that not only was Laurie playing an American in the role, but also hitting a homerun on the dramatic front as Dr. Gregory House. This show is great, and (although I could be wrong since Fox will cancel a show at the drop of a hat) I believe it will be a cornerstone program at Fox for a good long while (there... now I've cursed it). [side note: Sela Ward being in the cast doesn't hurt either. mrOWL!]
Rome -- I know. I know. Again, with the HBO! But, dammit, this show is quite possibly the best hour of dramatic television out there right now (granted we're all waiting for that new Sopranos season, but still). Rome has everything! Violence! Sex! Intrigue! Politics! History! Religion! Adventure! Granted, one could say the same of Deadwood. BUT SCREW THAT! That was a Western! Keep your Western! THIS IS THE BLOODY ROMAN EMPIRE!!! IT'S GREAT!!! ... er... um... ahem ... heh heh... Bit of personal preference showing, I know. I could write a whole entry on this show. Every character, every role, even down to the slightest supporting cast member, is performed at the highest level. Honestly, this show will sweep the Emmy's next year. You heard it here first. Yes. It is that good.
The West Wing -- Speaking of politics... this show still consistantly delivers. Great characters. Great cast. Engaging storylines. It's like the prize fighting champ of political drama. It just won't go down. It is so far beyond ABC's attempt at paddling in this particular pond with their "Commander In Chief" it's not even funny (sorry Gina Davis... you'd get points for playing a female President if Battlestar Galactica didn't beat you to that particular punch last year... [shrug], plus you're on opposite "My Name Is Earl", so with me... you're screwed). Oh, and I know the upcoming live Presidential debate show is completely a sweeps gimmick, but dammit, if it isn't a brilliant sweeps gimmick!
Boston Legal -- Two words: William. Shatner. 'Nuff said.
Honorable Mentions:
So, without further ado...
House -- Frankly, I was estatic to hear that Hugh Laurie was going to star in a series here in America. Why do I say "here in America"? Because much to the surprise of some people I know, no one realized that he's British. I've been a long time Hugh Laurie fan, especially his three seasons on Rowan Atkinson's brilliantly funny Blackadder series. His comedic performances also stood out when he was along side fellow Blackadder alumnus, Stephen Fry (i.e. "A Bit of Fry & Laurie" and P.G. Wodehouse's "Jeeves & Wooster"). How utterly shocked was I that not only was Laurie playing an American in the role, but also hitting a homerun on the dramatic front as Dr. Gregory House. This show is great, and (although I could be wrong since Fox will cancel a show at the drop of a hat) I believe it will be a cornerstone program at Fox for a good long while (there... now I've cursed it). [side note: Sela Ward being in the cast doesn't hurt either. mrOWL!]
Rome -- I know. I know. Again, with the HBO! But, dammit, this show is quite possibly the best hour of dramatic television out there right now (granted we're all waiting for that new Sopranos season, but still). Rome has everything! Violence! Sex! Intrigue! Politics! History! Religion! Adventure! Granted, one could say the same of Deadwood. BUT SCREW THAT! That was a Western! Keep your Western! THIS IS THE BLOODY ROMAN EMPIRE!!! IT'S GREAT!!! ... er... um... ahem ... heh heh... Bit of personal preference showing, I know. I could write a whole entry on this show. Every character, every role, even down to the slightest supporting cast member, is performed at the highest level. Honestly, this show will sweep the Emmy's next year. You heard it here first. Yes. It is that good.
The West Wing -- Speaking of politics... this show still consistantly delivers. Great characters. Great cast. Engaging storylines. It's like the prize fighting champ of political drama. It just won't go down. It is so far beyond ABC's attempt at paddling in this particular pond with their "Commander In Chief" it's not even funny (sorry Gina Davis... you'd get points for playing a female President if Battlestar Galactica didn't beat you to that particular punch last year... [shrug], plus you're on opposite "My Name Is Earl", so with me... you're screwed). Oh, and I know the upcoming live Presidential debate show is completely a sweeps gimmick, but dammit, if it isn't a brilliant sweeps gimmick!
Boston Legal -- Two words: William. Shatner. 'Nuff said.
Honorable Mentions:
- Desperate Housewives [I'm calling it a drama, even if some call it a comedy, and you can't ignore the ratings and the hype on this monster]
- Every version of Law & Order [I would've included this above, as I think this show is absolutely riviting, but it would've taken three of my four "feature slots"]
- Every version of C.S.I [Also not mentioned above for the same reason as L&O. This would've turned into the "C.S.I./L&O Only" entry.]
- E.R. [still an excellent show, but I had to give mad props to Hugh Laurie as my "medical drama" pick first].
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Good Television - Part 1: Comedy
This is Part 1 of the DAO "Good Television" series. In this particular entry, we're talking comedy. If you aren't watching these shows, then your life is just a little gloomier than the rest of us. But, take heart! I'm here to change all that! Read the entries! Click the links! Check your local listings! C'mon... laugh along with the rest of us. If you are watching anything other than these shows for funny, you are wasting your time.
Let's start.
My Name Is Earl -- This is the best non-animated half hour of comedy on the airwaves right now!!! Period! Jason Lee (a huge favorite of mine, having sprung from Kevin Smith's View Askewniverse Jersey movies and into such films as Almost Famous, Vanilla Sky, et al) plays Earl, a former ne'er do well turned "trailer park philosopher". After discovering the concept of karma when he wins the lottery and is then immediately hit by a car, Earl makes a life changing decision to right all the wrongs he had done in his life. It's been said by many a television critic that this show has the same "feel" of the now classic Coen Brothers movie "Raising Arizona". This, friends, is not a bad thing, as each episode feels like a little mini-movie with characters that you can't help but fall in love with (for instance, the getting ever-thinner Ethan Suplee, who plays Earl's brother, is brilliant). I also love the fact that "Earl" doesn't rely on a laugh track to point out the funny bits. Trust me, if you're watching this show, YOU will provide the laugh track. There hasn't been an episode where I haven't on more than one occaision laughed out loud (and frankly, that is a mean feat). Watch this show!
The Office -- You ever walk into your workplace and think, "This would be a great television show?" Imagine if there were a camera crew showing up daily, watching and documenting the day-to-day aspects of your job. That, folks, is The Office. Plus, who would have thunk it?! NBC's version of the award winning BBC comedy of the same name is (*gasp!*) actually funny!! Steve Carell (from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and the star of "The 40-Year Old Virgin") is great, but then again, I knew he would be. What pushes this show over the top is the rest of the cast. The mockumentary style of the show along with the fact that there seems to be a healthy dose of that "true-to-life" improvisation style that's usually reserved for those wonderful Christopher Guest movies (i.e. "Best in Show", "Waiting for Guffman", "A Mighty Wind") makes this seem like you're peeking in on any and every office workplace I've ever worked for (in one form or another). Brilliant stuff! Watch this show!
Curb Your Enthusiasm -- Now, I know a lot of folks don't pay extra to get the HBO (and yes, I know I used the definite article "the" in front of "HBO"... I like saying it that way, so from here on it's "the HBO"... think of it kind of like when some people say "the Batman" instead of just "Batman", 'kay?). If you do pay extra to get the HBO, then you MUST watch Curb Your Enthusiasm! There's really no choice in the matter. You have to do it. Consider this a prerequisite for having HBO in the first place. Larry David once again takes up the baton that was handed off by "Seinfeld" and has hit the ground running at a dead sprint with the fifth season of this fantastic show. Again, this is a show that is 80% improvisation and the third comedy on the list that is funny without a laugh track beating you over the head telling you it's funny. Just great stuff. If you get the HBO, watch this show!
Extras -- From Ricky Gervais, who launched "The Office" in the U.K., comes this absolutely brilliant half hour that, to me, is quickly starting to overshadow "Curb Your Enthusiasm" as the best comedy on the HBO (and folks, that's saying something). The show follows Ricky's character Andy Millman, a 40-something Englishman who has given up his day job in lieu of making his way into acting (which means going from film set to film set as an extra and trying to schmooze whoever he can for a speaking role). This is especially funny to me since my dear sister is in Hollywood at the moment doing practically the same thing. Each episode is on a different film set and features a guest star in each such as Kate Winslet, Ben Stiller and Patrick Stewart. It's a great look at the bottom rung of the film actor's ladder and shines the light on a seldom seen side of an aspect of an actor's life and filmmaking in general. Great stuff and painfully funny!
Family Guy -- If "Earl" is the funniest non-amimated half hour of television, then "Family Guy" is the funniest half hour of amimated television. Rising from cancellation limbo a few months ago, Seth MacFarlane has returned Family Guy back to the airwaves with a vengeance. It's edgy. It's oft times hilariously borderline offensive. It's always, always funny. If you don't know about, or haven't watched Family Guy yet (thinking perhaps that it's just a Simpsons derived equivalent of mental masturbation ... which... well, it is... but, frankly, it has completely surpassed the ever-weary, frayed-at-the-edges, played out Simpsons phenomenon), then you're missing out. Catch the syndicated re-runs on TBS or on the [adult swim] block of shows on Catoon Network. Watch it. Live it. Learn it. This is mandantory viewing!
(honorable mention [as in "funny enough to be mentioned, but at the moment, not worth the elaboration"] : Arrested Development, King of Queens, How I Met Your Mother, American Dad, Rodney)
Let's start.
My Name Is Earl -- This is the best non-animated half hour of comedy on the airwaves right now!!! Period! Jason Lee (a huge favorite of mine, having sprung from Kevin Smith's View Askewniverse Jersey movies and into such films as Almost Famous, Vanilla Sky, et al) plays Earl, a former ne'er do well turned "trailer park philosopher". After discovering the concept of karma when he wins the lottery and is then immediately hit by a car, Earl makes a life changing decision to right all the wrongs he had done in his life. It's been said by many a television critic that this show has the same "feel" of the now classic Coen Brothers movie "Raising Arizona". This, friends, is not a bad thing, as each episode feels like a little mini-movie with characters that you can't help but fall in love with (for instance, the getting ever-thinner Ethan Suplee, who plays Earl's brother, is brilliant). I also love the fact that "Earl" doesn't rely on a laugh track to point out the funny bits. Trust me, if you're watching this show, YOU will provide the laugh track. There hasn't been an episode where I haven't on more than one occaision laughed out loud (and frankly, that is a mean feat). Watch this show!
The Office -- You ever walk into your workplace and think, "This would be a great television show?" Imagine if there were a camera crew showing up daily, watching and documenting the day-to-day aspects of your job. That, folks, is The Office. Plus, who would have thunk it?! NBC's version of the award winning BBC comedy of the same name is (*gasp!*) actually funny!! Steve Carell (from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and the star of "The 40-Year Old Virgin") is great, but then again, I knew he would be. What pushes this show over the top is the rest of the cast. The mockumentary style of the show along with the fact that there seems to be a healthy dose of that "true-to-life" improvisation style that's usually reserved for those wonderful Christopher Guest movies (i.e. "Best in Show", "Waiting for Guffman", "A Mighty Wind") makes this seem like you're peeking in on any and every office workplace I've ever worked for (in one form or another). Brilliant stuff! Watch this show!
Curb Your Enthusiasm -- Now, I know a lot of folks don't pay extra to get the HBO (and yes, I know I used the definite article "the" in front of "HBO"... I like saying it that way, so from here on it's "the HBO"... think of it kind of like when some people say "the Batman" instead of just "Batman", 'kay?). If you do pay extra to get the HBO, then you MUST watch Curb Your Enthusiasm! There's really no choice in the matter. You have to do it. Consider this a prerequisite for having HBO in the first place. Larry David once again takes up the baton that was handed off by "Seinfeld" and has hit the ground running at a dead sprint with the fifth season of this fantastic show. Again, this is a show that is 80% improvisation and the third comedy on the list that is funny without a laugh track beating you over the head telling you it's funny. Just great stuff. If you get the HBO, watch this show!
Extras -- From Ricky Gervais, who launched "The Office" in the U.K., comes this absolutely brilliant half hour that, to me, is quickly starting to overshadow "Curb Your Enthusiasm" as the best comedy on the HBO (and folks, that's saying something). The show follows Ricky's character Andy Millman, a 40-something Englishman who has given up his day job in lieu of making his way into acting (which means going from film set to film set as an extra and trying to schmooze whoever he can for a speaking role). This is especially funny to me since my dear sister is in Hollywood at the moment doing practically the same thing. Each episode is on a different film set and features a guest star in each such as Kate Winslet, Ben Stiller and Patrick Stewart. It's a great look at the bottom rung of the film actor's ladder and shines the light on a seldom seen side of an aspect of an actor's life and filmmaking in general. Great stuff and painfully funny!
Family Guy -- If "Earl" is the funniest non-amimated half hour of television, then "Family Guy" is the funniest half hour of amimated television. Rising from cancellation limbo a few months ago, Seth MacFarlane has returned Family Guy back to the airwaves with a vengeance. It's edgy. It's oft times hilariously borderline offensive. It's always, always funny. If you don't know about, or haven't watched Family Guy yet (thinking perhaps that it's just a Simpsons derived equivalent of mental masturbation ... which... well, it is... but, frankly, it has completely surpassed the ever-weary, frayed-at-the-edges, played out Simpsons phenomenon), then you're missing out. Catch the syndicated re-runs on TBS or on the [adult swim] block of shows on Catoon Network. Watch it. Live it. Learn it. This is mandantory viewing!(honorable mention [as in "funny enough to be mentioned, but at the moment, not worth the elaboration"] : Arrested Development, King of Queens, How I Met Your Mother, American Dad, Rodney)
Monday, October 10, 2005
Fun With Keywords
So, I discovered this really cool site tracking doo-hickey from Amanda, a fellow Blogster over at her Windows of My Soul blog (and Amanda is a cool chick, with some cool things to say, plus she pimps out DAO on her site with such prominance that until I get off my lazy ass and actually rewrite the HTML code to activate my Linkish Linky Things section, she's just going to have to settle for this not so subtle plug as my thanks).
Anyway, on this site tracker thingus, there's a bit where I can see who peeped DAO from a keyword search on the various search engines out there. Pretty cool, eh? Some of the keywords that were used didn't really surpise me, and one that did. Trust me. This is absolutely true.
Wierdly enough, the most used keyword was good ol' "Salami Rabiu" the dying, cancer-riddled billionare I mentioned several weeks ago who was trying to give me his "money" back in my "Stupid Spam" post.
Next is "Kelly Eslick", the name of one of the strippers at a Jacksonville, Arkansas gentlemen's club who was one of four entertainers that overly spanked a trucker on his birthday back in the now classic DAO entry "Funny News #2".
Lots of people found their way to the ol' DAO stompin' grounds by typing in variations of "How to treat your girlfriend" and winding up at my "I Know How To Treat My Wimmins" article. Good for them. Good luck guys. Treat 'em right. You're only as good as how you treat your significant other.
This is just a partial list, mind you, but all legitimate keyword searches to say the least. Right?
So imagine my surprise (and imagine someone else's complete and utter disappointment) when somehow they burst through the doors of DAO with a keyword ticket that read "women fucking horses".
Again, this is true.
Now I've gone back and reread everything I've ever typed on this blog. Nowhere, in any article, blog entry, post ... whatever you want to call it... nowhere until now have I ever mentioned "women fucking horses". How in the world did my poor blog come up from someone trying to find "women fucking horses"?? I don't talk about "women fucking horses" at all!! Some search engine somewhere really got their wires crossed. I've never mentioned any form of beastiality (or "bestiality" as the zoophiles like to call it) ever. Ever! None! Even with other animals! Not "women fucking dogs" or "dogs fucking women" or even "knotting" (the curious can e-mail me for a definition of "knotting" or "being tied" for the non K9 lovers out there ... and just because I know what it is doesn't mean I practice it) for instance.
BUT, (heh heh, I'm such a stinker) now that I have mentioned it ... I wonder how many people are going to wind up in DAO land looking for some wierd "animal love" and finding only me sitting here trying to decide which upcoming movies to talk about next.
Suckers.
MUAH-hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Oh! You can play along too. As of me viewing this post, the counter on the site reader is 821 (not bad since I only started counting the hits to this site about three weeks ago or so -- thanks one and all for reading my blatherings). Also note the time of the posting. It'll be interesting to see how quickly the site meter will jump above 1000 from the time I publish this entry (plus, how many of those visitors were looking for hot inter-species romance). In fact, if I had thought this through before, we could've had a betting pool as to when the 1000th DAO customer strolls through the front door. Ah, well.
Anyway, on this site tracker thingus, there's a bit where I can see who peeped DAO from a keyword search on the various search engines out there. Pretty cool, eh? Some of the keywords that were used didn't really surpise me, and one that did. Trust me. This is absolutely true.
Wierdly enough, the most used keyword was good ol' "Salami Rabiu" the dying, cancer-riddled billionare I mentioned several weeks ago who was trying to give me his "money" back in my "Stupid Spam" post.
Next is "Kelly Eslick", the name of one of the strippers at a Jacksonville, Arkansas gentlemen's club who was one of four entertainers that overly spanked a trucker on his birthday back in the now classic DAO entry "Funny News #2".
Lots of people found their way to the ol' DAO stompin' grounds by typing in variations of "How to treat your girlfriend" and winding up at my "I Know How To Treat My Wimmins" article. Good for them. Good luck guys. Treat 'em right. You're only as good as how you treat your significant other.
This is just a partial list, mind you, but all legitimate keyword searches to say the least. Right?
So imagine my surprise (and imagine someone else's complete and utter disappointment) when somehow they burst through the doors of DAO with a keyword ticket that read "women fucking horses".
Again, this is true.
Now I've gone back and reread everything I've ever typed on this blog. Nowhere, in any article, blog entry, post ... whatever you want to call it... nowhere until now have I ever mentioned "women fucking horses". How in the world did my poor blog come up from someone trying to find "women fucking horses"?? I don't talk about "women fucking horses" at all!! Some search engine somewhere really got their wires crossed. I've never mentioned any form of beastiality (or "bestiality" as the zoophiles like to call it) ever. Ever! None! Even with other animals! Not "women fucking dogs" or "dogs fucking women" or even "knotting" (the curious can e-mail me for a definition of "knotting" or "being tied" for the non K9 lovers out there ... and just because I know what it is doesn't mean I practice it) for instance.
BUT, (heh heh, I'm such a stinker) now that I have mentioned it ... I wonder how many people are going to wind up in DAO land looking for some wierd "animal love" and finding only me sitting here trying to decide which upcoming movies to talk about next.
Suckers.
MUAH-hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Oh! You can play along too. As of me viewing this post, the counter on the site reader is 821 (not bad since I only started counting the hits to this site about three weeks ago or so -- thanks one and all for reading my blatherings). Also note the time of the posting. It'll be interesting to see how quickly the site meter will jump above 1000 from the time I publish this entry (plus, how many of those visitors were looking for hot inter-species romance). In fact, if I had thought this through before, we could've had a betting pool as to when the 1000th DAO customer strolls through the front door. Ah, well.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Evil But Not Insane??
Bush, The Younger just gave a speech updating all of us about "The War On Terror" today. Now that the dust has settled and the water is mostly drained from those pesky hurricane distractions, I suppose it was time for him to try and regain ground in his abyssmal approval ratings by going back to the well and start beating the war drums again.
All news bits and quotes are pulled from a Reuters news story filed by Washington reporter Steve Holland.
"We will never back down, never give in and never accept anything less than complete victory," said Bush.
This is a perfect example of how different Bush's concept of reality is and the actual, real world reality in which we all live. This "War on Terror", much like "The War on Drugs", is a conflict that will never ever ever be a complete victory. Ever. Basically what Bush is saying is we will be in a perpetual, unending war that will cost thousands and thousands of more American soldiers and billions and billions more American dollars. Your money will be spent on this fallacy. Any sons, daughters, nephews, neices, uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, fathers and mothers that serve in the armed forces will be sacrificed upon the alter of shaky conceptualized politics. This is beyond stupidity. This is borderline insanity.
It was part of a White House effort to rebuild waning American support for the Iraq war amid an upsurge of violence ahead of a planned October 15 referendum on an Iraqi constitution.
Bush firmly rejected those who demand a U.S. withdrawal from Iraq, saying to pull out would leave the country's fledgling government exposed to supporters of al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden and the group's leader in Iraq, Jordanian-born militant Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.
"Having removed a dictator and aided free peoples, we will not stand by as a new set of killers dedicated to the destruction of our own country seizes control of Iraq by violence," he said.
Right! How dare those new sets of killers seize control of Iraq when our sets of killers already did it. I mean, who do they think they are? Bastards! Copy cats! Get an original idea, you other sets of killers!
He [Bush] said the United States and its allies had disrupted 10 serious al Qaeda plots since the September 11, 2001, attacks, three inside the United States.
Where? What were they? Who was involved? What was supposed to happen? When was this? How did you disrupt them? Details, man! Don't just give arbitrary bullshit! You want support? Show us what you're doing. Don't just throw out a line like that and expect us to buy it. This idiot has lied more often and more seriously than Clinton ever did, and we're supposed to take his word for it that all this stuff has gone down? Proof, man! PROOF!!! Show it!
"The militants believe that controlling one country will rally the Muslim masses, enabling them to overthrow all moderate governments in the region and establish a radical Islamic empire that expands from Spain to Indonesia," Bush said.
Whereas Bush seemingly believes that controlling one country will rally the "right minded" thinking Democratic/Capatalist masses, enabling them to overthrow all moderate governments in the region and establish a radial Christian empire that would expand globally. What a complete and utter egomaniacal tool Bush is.
Citing recent attacks in London, Sharm el-Sheikh and Bali, Bush said while the bombings appeared random, they serve a clear ideology, "a set of beliefs that are evil but not insane," and gave a new name for the ideology: Islamo-fascism.
Oh, for the luvva... y'see? Do you see how he has to qualify it now? This is a war on a religious sect. Not Islamic Muslums as a whole. Just those "far right wing" Islamic Muslums. It's Christian-fundamentalism versus Islamo-fascism. Can you say, "Recipe for Disaster?" I thought you could.
"Evil but not insane".... would that make Bush insane but not evil? No real evil intent, just a detachment from reality that is horribly, horribly dangerous to not just Americans but to the world abroad. Hmmm...
"Wars are not won without sacrifice, and this war will require more sacrifice, more time, and more resolve. The terrorists are as brutal an enemy as we have ever faced," he [Bush] said.
It's an IDEALISM! It's a thought process! It's a radical arm of a RELIGION! This can't be fought. This can't be extinguished. This can not be erradicated! It doesn't matter how much more sacrifice, more time and more resolve you have. This is folly. This is foolhardy. This never ever can or will be won!!
Ever.
Americans are slowly starting to realize this fact. Last month a CNN/Gallup/USA Today poll said only 32 percent of Americans approved of Bush's handling of the war. Where's your mandate now, Bush? Even your supporters are starting to admit you're an idiot.
"State sponsors like Syria and Iran have a long history of collaboration with terrorists and they deserve no patience from the victims of terror. The United States makes no distinction between those who commit acts of terror and those who support and harbor them because they're equally as guilty of murder," he [Bush] said.
Here we go. The whole, "They who help the "terrorists" are going to get their asses handed to them" song and dance again. All this is people is an excuse for a new target. Y'see, the tricky bit about being at war with a thought is you can't exactly bomb something that is intangible. But a sovereign nation that may or may not have some of those thoughts in it? Oh, well... we can crank up our horribly bad, jingoistic, lowest common denomonator country music and bomb the shit out of them while screaming "Yeee Haa!"
There was a time when the name bin Laden rarely crossed Bush's lips publicly -- partly it seemed to avoid raising the issue of why the United States had failed to track him down -- but Bush invoked the name of the elusive al Qaeda leader several times in making the case against bin Laden's style of Islam.
"Bin Laden says his own role is to tell Muslims: 'What is good for them and what is not.' And what this man who grew up in wealth and privilege considers good for poor Muslims is that they become killers and suicide bombers. He assures them that this is the road to paradise, though he never offers to go along for the ride," Bush said.
I agree. A dude that grew up in wealth and privilege telling folks what's good for them and what isn't, then sending people out to kill other people; feeling all self reightous about it but never himself personally getting his hands dirty?
Yeah. I hate guys like that.
All news bits and quotes are pulled from a Reuters news story filed by Washington reporter Steve Holland.
"We will never back down, never give in and never accept anything less than complete victory," said Bush.
This is a perfect example of how different Bush's concept of reality is and the actual, real world reality in which we all live. This "War on Terror", much like "The War on Drugs", is a conflict that will never ever ever be a complete victory. Ever. Basically what Bush is saying is we will be in a perpetual, unending war that will cost thousands and thousands of more American soldiers and billions and billions more American dollars. Your money will be spent on this fallacy. Any sons, daughters, nephews, neices, uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, fathers and mothers that serve in the armed forces will be sacrificed upon the alter of shaky conceptualized politics. This is beyond stupidity. This is borderline insanity.
It was part of a White House effort to rebuild waning American support for the Iraq war amid an upsurge of violence ahead of a planned October 15 referendum on an Iraqi constitution.
Bush firmly rejected those who demand a U.S. withdrawal from Iraq, saying to pull out would leave the country's fledgling government exposed to supporters of al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden and the group's leader in Iraq, Jordanian-born militant Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.
"Having removed a dictator and aided free peoples, we will not stand by as a new set of killers dedicated to the destruction of our own country seizes control of Iraq by violence," he said.
Right! How dare those new sets of killers seize control of Iraq when our sets of killers already did it. I mean, who do they think they are? Bastards! Copy cats! Get an original idea, you other sets of killers!
He [Bush] said the United States and its allies had disrupted 10 serious al Qaeda plots since the September 11, 2001, attacks, three inside the United States.
Where? What were they? Who was involved? What was supposed to happen? When was this? How did you disrupt them? Details, man! Don't just give arbitrary bullshit! You want support? Show us what you're doing. Don't just throw out a line like that and expect us to buy it. This idiot has lied more often and more seriously than Clinton ever did, and we're supposed to take his word for it that all this stuff has gone down? Proof, man! PROOF!!! Show it!
"The militants believe that controlling one country will rally the Muslim masses, enabling them to overthrow all moderate governments in the region and establish a radical Islamic empire that expands from Spain to Indonesia," Bush said.
Whereas Bush seemingly believes that controlling one country will rally the "right minded" thinking Democratic/Capatalist masses, enabling them to overthrow all moderate governments in the region and establish a radial Christian empire that would expand globally. What a complete and utter egomaniacal tool Bush is.
Citing recent attacks in London, Sharm el-Sheikh and Bali, Bush said while the bombings appeared random, they serve a clear ideology, "a set of beliefs that are evil but not insane," and gave a new name for the ideology: Islamo-fascism.
Oh, for the luvva... y'see? Do you see how he has to qualify it now? This is a war on a religious sect. Not Islamic Muslums as a whole. Just those "far right wing" Islamic Muslums. It's Christian-fundamentalism versus Islamo-fascism. Can you say, "Recipe for Disaster?" I thought you could.
"Evil but not insane".... would that make Bush insane but not evil? No real evil intent, just a detachment from reality that is horribly, horribly dangerous to not just Americans but to the world abroad. Hmmm...
"Wars are not won without sacrifice, and this war will require more sacrifice, more time, and more resolve. The terrorists are as brutal an enemy as we have ever faced," he [Bush] said.
It's an IDEALISM! It's a thought process! It's a radical arm of a RELIGION! This can't be fought. This can't be extinguished. This can not be erradicated! It doesn't matter how much more sacrifice, more time and more resolve you have. This is folly. This is foolhardy. This never ever can or will be won!!
Ever.
Americans are slowly starting to realize this fact. Last month a CNN/Gallup/USA Today poll said only 32 percent of Americans approved of Bush's handling of the war. Where's your mandate now, Bush? Even your supporters are starting to admit you're an idiot.
"State sponsors like Syria and Iran have a long history of collaboration with terrorists and they deserve no patience from the victims of terror. The United States makes no distinction between those who commit acts of terror and those who support and harbor them because they're equally as guilty of murder," he [Bush] said.
Here we go. The whole, "They who help the "terrorists" are going to get their asses handed to them" song and dance again. All this is people is an excuse for a new target. Y'see, the tricky bit about being at war with a thought is you can't exactly bomb something that is intangible. But a sovereign nation that may or may not have some of those thoughts in it? Oh, well... we can crank up our horribly bad, jingoistic, lowest common denomonator country music and bomb the shit out of them while screaming "Yeee Haa!"
There was a time when the name bin Laden rarely crossed Bush's lips publicly -- partly it seemed to avoid raising the issue of why the United States had failed to track him down -- but Bush invoked the name of the elusive al Qaeda leader several times in making the case against bin Laden's style of Islam.
"Bin Laden says his own role is to tell Muslims: 'What is good for them and what is not.' And what this man who grew up in wealth and privilege considers good for poor Muslims is that they become killers and suicide bombers. He assures them that this is the road to paradise, though he never offers to go along for the ride," Bush said.
I agree. A dude that grew up in wealth and privilege telling folks what's good for them and what isn't, then sending people out to kill other people; feeling all self reightous about it but never himself personally getting his hands dirty?
Yeah. I hate guys like that.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
The Shining: Redux
Here at DAO, I always try to acknowledge genius and creative moves in entertainment. This is one of those stories.
A few weeks ago, 25 year old film editor's assistant, Robert Ryang, working in Manhattan, entered a contest sponsored by the New York chapter of the Association of Independent Creative Editors. The contest? To take a movie... any movie and cut a new trailer (preview) for it BUT (and here's the catch) present it in a completely different genre. The only modifications that were allowed were sound and dialog.
Robert chose Stanley Kubrick's The Shining and recut a trailer to make it a feel-good family comedy.
Robert's trailer very gently crept onto the internet through a friend's blog site almost two weeks ago. In the last two days, and 24,000+ downloads later, the trailer started making its rounds through the film community (the filmmakers and the film enthusiasts [y'know... like me]). In less than two weeks Robert has now been contacted by a vice-president of a major Hollywood studio interested in his talents.
Good for you Robert! Way to go, man! This is hilarious and you deserve every bit of recognition you get from it.
Moral of the story: Sometimes all it takes for your life to change is one good idea.
Here's the link to Robert's brilliant trailer in glorious Quicktime.
A few weeks ago, 25 year old film editor's assistant, Robert Ryang, working in Manhattan, entered a contest sponsored by the New York chapter of the Association of Independent Creative Editors. The contest? To take a movie... any movie and cut a new trailer (preview) for it BUT (and here's the catch) present it in a completely different genre. The only modifications that were allowed were sound and dialog.
Robert chose Stanley Kubrick's The Shining and recut a trailer to make it a feel-good family comedy.
Robert's trailer very gently crept onto the internet through a friend's blog site almost two weeks ago. In the last two days, and 24,000+ downloads later, the trailer started making its rounds through the film community (the filmmakers and the film enthusiasts [y'know... like me]). In less than two weeks Robert has now been contacted by a vice-president of a major Hollywood studio interested in his talents.
Good for you Robert! Way to go, man! This is hilarious and you deserve every bit of recognition you get from it.
Moral of the story: Sometimes all it takes for your life to change is one good idea.
Here's the link to Robert's brilliant trailer in glorious Quicktime.
Monday, September 26, 2005
"Would You Believe ... ?"
... that Don Adams is dead?
KAOS Agent: Look, I'm a sportsman. I'll let you choose the way you want to die.
Maxwell Smart: All right, how about old age?
This really bums me out. Almost moreso than Gilligan (Bob Denver) dying just recently.
Get Smart was one of my favorite shows when I was a kid (it was in reruns when I saw it... I'm not that old). I remember when I was real little (like 6 or 7 years old) taking cardboard boxes that I could sit in and with crayons drawing a steering wheel and instruments inside. If it wasn't the Batmobile I was making, it was a "spy car" so I could play Get Smart.
Most people, if they didn't know him as Maxwell Smart, might know him as the voice of Tennesee Tuxedo (a cartoon that ran with Underdog) or more likely the original voice of Inspector Gadget.
Y'know, it's a shame he died at 82 instead of 86 (which was his CONTROL Agent number).
Man, Don ... "missed it by *that* much".
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Wow! I'm A Pundit!
Well, I guess this proves you just never know who's reading what you write.
I tended to think that DAO existed in a ever imploding, insular bubble of various friends with the occaisional wandering straggler stubling in and possibly finding it cool enough to stick around (wandering stragglers are more than welcome, by the way).
Imagine my surprise when I found out I had been quoted on another blog. This in and of itself isn't much of a shock as I've tended to quote other people here on occaision. The blog that quoted me in particular was:
I tended to think that DAO existed in a ever imploding, insular bubble of various friends with the occaisional wandering straggler stubling in and possibly finding it cool enough to stick around (wandering stragglers are more than welcome, by the way).
Imagine my surprise when I found out I had been quoted on another blog. This in and of itself isn't much of a shock as I've tended to quote other people here on occaision. The blog that quoted me in particular was:
They didn't take my quote out of context. I wasn't misrepresented that I am, in fact, what would widely be considered a "Liberal Democrat". But I did say something in support of Mike Huckabee (which I still stand by -- the Governor has done a excellent job with the various hurricane evacuees) and I guess that was enough.
So, glad I could help guys, and thanks for validating my Dangerously Accurate Opinions.
Of course this will mean more humorous ploitical slants and I may have to scrutinize my Governor more often.
But hey, whatever works. :)
Friday, September 23, 2005
You'll Never Hear About This
Just after Hurricane Katrina hit Louisiana and Mississippi (but especially New Orleans), droves of folks headed north to Arkansas. There's been very little mention of my home state providing diddly squat in the national news. Only today in The Wall Street Journal has any article (that I know of) in a "national" newspaper even commented on what Arkansas is doing for the folks who, quite frankly, don't have homes any longer.
Here's the link to the article, as I can't and won't rehash what has already been written.
Click it. Read it. Come back and continue.
Finally! We're getting some press!
My mom wondered not too long after Katrina reached the shorline why the national news were only mentioning Texas as seemingly the only neighboring state providing anything for the hurricane evacuees. It bugged her and it bugged me that there was no mention of Arkansas' herculean efforts for these people.
It's no secret to readers of DAO that I have a very low opinion of the Republican mindset and an even lesser opinion of conservatives in general. I also, on the whole, have never been a big fan of Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. Ever since he took office, I bristled at the notion of a former Southern Baptist preacher holding the highest office in the state. Why? Because, as I predicted when he first took office, he was going to use his position to legislate his morality upon the heathen masses of Arkansas (and if there's one major beef I have against conservative Republicans is their modus operandi of forcing their beliefs and more importantly their morals into laws). For all the reasons I have to question Gov. Huckabee's decisions over the better part of the last decade, I'm going to go on record right now by saying he did our state proud. For everything that the Fed's (and that includes Bush the Younger) did horribly, horribly wrong during Hurricane Katrina, Huckabee did everything right and continues to do so.
I've seen it countless times when airplanes filled with evacuees land in Arkansas, Huckabee is right there on the tarmac waiting for them. As they deplane and look around at their new surroundings, there he is shaking all their hands, looking them in the eyes, and saying, "Welcome home." It's almost... no, not almost... it flat out is what Clinton would've done.
Which got me thinking.
Huckabee has been getting more and more ink lately. He's been hither and yon in key delegate states, meeting people and pressing the flesh. It's on several pundits' minds that he's probably going to make a run for the Presidency in '08.
But c'mon. I mean, what are the chances? What are the chances of an "aw, shucks", out-of-nowhere, Governor from a southern state like Arkansas, who has been in office for nearly 10 years, who is from a little town called Hope holding the power of The Leader of the Free World?
Like that will ever happen...
... again.
(ho-boy....)
Here's the link to the article, as I can't and won't rehash what has already been written.
Click it. Read it. Come back and continue.
Finally! We're getting some press!
My mom wondered not too long after Katrina reached the shorline why the national news were only mentioning Texas as seemingly the only neighboring state providing anything for the hurricane evacuees. It bugged her and it bugged me that there was no mention of Arkansas' herculean efforts for these people.
It's no secret to readers of DAO that I have a very low opinion of the Republican mindset and an even lesser opinion of conservatives in general. I also, on the whole, have never been a big fan of Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. Ever since he took office, I bristled at the notion of a former Southern Baptist preacher holding the highest office in the state. Why? Because, as I predicted when he first took office, he was going to use his position to legislate his morality upon the heathen masses of Arkansas (and if there's one major beef I have against conservative Republicans is their modus operandi of forcing their beliefs and more importantly their morals into laws). For all the reasons I have to question Gov. Huckabee's decisions over the better part of the last decade, I'm going to go on record right now by saying he did our state proud. For everything that the Fed's (and that includes Bush the Younger) did horribly, horribly wrong during Hurricane Katrina, Huckabee did everything right and continues to do so.
I've seen it countless times when airplanes filled with evacuees land in Arkansas, Huckabee is right there on the tarmac waiting for them. As they deplane and look around at their new surroundings, there he is shaking all their hands, looking them in the eyes, and saying, "Welcome home." It's almost... no, not almost... it flat out is what Clinton would've done.
Which got me thinking.
Huckabee has been getting more and more ink lately. He's been hither and yon in key delegate states, meeting people and pressing the flesh. It's on several pundits' minds that he's probably going to make a run for the Presidency in '08.
But c'mon. I mean, what are the chances? What are the chances of an "aw, shucks", out-of-nowhere, Governor from a southern state like Arkansas, who has been in office for nearly 10 years, who is from a little town called Hope holding the power of The Leader of the Free World?
Like that will ever happen...
... again.
(ho-boy....)
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Katrina: The Gathering
I know this is like a 2%-er (i.e. only 2% of people reading this will fully get the joke), but in my websurfing I stumbled upon this image of a new Magic: The Gathering card concerning Hurricane Katrina.
My thoughts? I'm glad they haven't made "Hurricane: Katrina" booster packs. I sold all my "Magic" cards years and years ago. However, I'd almost get back on the five-color crack that is Magic: The Gathering just to buy these. Actually, come to think of it, a card game like this (with present-day political/pop-culture figures and real world events) is probably a "Million Dollar Idea".
(p.s. if you can't read the card real well, go ahead and click on it for the full size view)
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Allegorically Speaking
See if you can guess what I'm talking about here...
Play along with me. Imagine you can sometimes see things in slow motion. Imagine someone is standing in front of you, and they have brought their hand back to slap the holy bejeezus out of you right in your face. As you watch their hand slowly arcing toward your cherubic cheek, you can judge that although the slap started slow, as it drew nearer and nearer toward your face, you can tell it picked up speed and force.
While you're standing there watching it, you have time to think. Ultimately you decide, "Well, how bad is it going to be? It's just a slap." You know it's coming. You know how bad it's going to hurt. Since you can see things in slow motion, you have the ability to duck. But you don't. You figure you'll just go ahead and let it hit.
Then it hits. Everything speeds up back to normal and you get spun around and knocked on the floor. You stand back up. Your face is stinging like crazy and you start to feel the swelling from the hit.
Then the slow motion kicks back in again, and here comes the other hand. Just like before, it starts slow, but builds up speed and force just like the first one. EXACTLY like the first slap. The first slap was a helluva blow. The second slap looks to be the same.
Now, what did you learn from not ducking the first time? Are you prepared for the second slap? Do you duck the second slap? Of course you do! Hell, you could've ducked the first one, but you were cocky. You ignored it. Oh, you knew the first slap was coming. You were aware of it. But, in the end, you ignored it. You don't want to get knocked on the floor again. This time, you're paying more attention. This time you're taking the slaps more seriously.
In fact, you were openly criticized for not ducking the first slap. People from all over stood in slackjawed wonderment and confusion that you let the first slap hit. If it could've been avoided; if you had the ABILITY to avoid the slap, and yet didn't do it, then people would rightly assume that you were either a masochist and you let the slap hit on purpose, or you are, in fact, mentally deficient.
Ah, but not this time. Here comes the second slap. You're ready. You're all set to duck at just the right moment. If you duck this time, you'll be a hero and maybe you can forget about that whole not-ducking-for-the-first-slap business. It'll be great. You'll feel much better about yourself.
Now, here's the question. Is the allegory in reference to ...
A) ... Hurricane Rita (or as I like to call it, "Hurricane 2: Messing With Texas" ... [rated R]) and the disaster preparedness (specifically on the Federal Government's part) going on as it crosses the Gulf of Mexico, gaining strength to a Catagory 4, and poised to slam into the Texas coast (redundantly rehashing the plot of last month's original blockbuster "HURRICANE!")?
or
B) ... my dating life.
You pick.
Play along with me. Imagine you can sometimes see things in slow motion. Imagine someone is standing in front of you, and they have brought their hand back to slap the holy bejeezus out of you right in your face. As you watch their hand slowly arcing toward your cherubic cheek, you can judge that although the slap started slow, as it drew nearer and nearer toward your face, you can tell it picked up speed and force.
While you're standing there watching it, you have time to think. Ultimately you decide, "Well, how bad is it going to be? It's just a slap." You know it's coming. You know how bad it's going to hurt. Since you can see things in slow motion, you have the ability to duck. But you don't. You figure you'll just go ahead and let it hit.
Then it hits. Everything speeds up back to normal and you get spun around and knocked on the floor. You stand back up. Your face is stinging like crazy and you start to feel the swelling from the hit.
Then the slow motion kicks back in again, and here comes the other hand. Just like before, it starts slow, but builds up speed and force just like the first one. EXACTLY like the first slap. The first slap was a helluva blow. The second slap looks to be the same.
Now, what did you learn from not ducking the first time? Are you prepared for the second slap? Do you duck the second slap? Of course you do! Hell, you could've ducked the first one, but you were cocky. You ignored it. Oh, you knew the first slap was coming. You were aware of it. But, in the end, you ignored it. You don't want to get knocked on the floor again. This time, you're paying more attention. This time you're taking the slaps more seriously.
In fact, you were openly criticized for not ducking the first slap. People from all over stood in slackjawed wonderment and confusion that you let the first slap hit. If it could've been avoided; if you had the ABILITY to avoid the slap, and yet didn't do it, then people would rightly assume that you were either a masochist and you let the slap hit on purpose, or you are, in fact, mentally deficient.
Ah, but not this time. Here comes the second slap. You're ready. You're all set to duck at just the right moment. If you duck this time, you'll be a hero and maybe you can forget about that whole not-ducking-for-the-first-slap business. It'll be great. You'll feel much better about yourself.
Now, here's the question. Is the allegory in reference to ...
A) ... Hurricane Rita (or as I like to call it, "Hurricane 2: Messing With Texas" ... [rated R]) and the disaster preparedness (specifically on the Federal Government's part) going on as it crosses the Gulf of Mexico, gaining strength to a Catagory 4, and poised to slam into the Texas coast (redundantly rehashing the plot of last month's original blockbuster "HURRICANE!")?
or
B) ... my dating life.
You pick.
Friday, September 16, 2005
No Wonder Dating Is So Tough
Here are some snippets from a story that came over the Associated Press wire just a few moments ago. And it confirms something I’ve long suspected. Read on… [with my comments].
Survey Finds More Women Try Bisexuality
By MARTHA IRVINE, AP National Writer
Thu Sep 15, 7:50 PM ET
More women — particularly those in their late teens and 20s — are experimenting with bisexuality or at least feel more comfortable reporting same-sex encounters, according to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. [A-ha! I freaking knew it!]
The survey, released Thursday by the CDC's National Center for Health Statistics, found that 11.5 percent of women, ages 18 to 44, said they've had at least one sexual experience with another woman in their lifetimes, compared with about 4 percent of women, ages 18 to 59, who said the same in a comparable survey a decade earlier. [Now, this I kind of have a problem with. It would seem to me that a more accurate statistic would’ve been to survey women aged 18 to 59 again instead of shortening the cutoff age to 44. Since the second survey wasn’t exactly like the first survey, could the comparative statistic be completely accurate? Would it still be 11.5% if the 45 to 59 year olds were still included? It probably would make that 11.5% a bit less. I’m just saying (actually, I’m probably just in denial about the percentage increase.)]
For women in their late teens and 20s, the percentage rose to 14 percent in the more recent survey. About 6 percent of men in their teens and 20s said they'd had at least one same-sex encounter. [I’m 35 years old. I’m not looking to date a teenager (necessarily). But, frankly, anyone 21 or older is within my ever-widening “age range”. I’m also in Arkansas, which means 7 to 8 times out of 10, if I’m going to find a 20-something to date, it usually means they’ve already been married and/or they have a kid or two. Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with dating a single mom, but if you’re going to date a single mom, then you’re also dating the kid too and that’s tricky (in a way … not in the sick and perverted way that it sounds, but in the way that if you don’t get along with the kid/s, then you’re probably not going to last very long with the mom. I’m just saying.) Since I don’t have any kids, I’d like one of my own someday. Mostly from my experience, if they already have a kid or more, they most likely don’t want any more. So, single moms (not totally, but for the sake of argument) are, let’s say, not as completely appealing as just a regular, single, no-kid-having 20-something. Now according to this, that remaining 20% of single 20-something females that I’m likely to encounter (living where I live and based on the emperical exidence I have in my perspective) 14% of that 20% are also dating or having a relationship in some way with another female. That leaves roughly 17 women in a hundred that are single, no kids, and not munching carpet (which means a certain number of those 17 females are probably Jesus Freaks, mentally retarded, just plain ugly, or all three. So, let's be generous and half that 17 to 8 datable women for every 100.).
Damn, no wonder dating is so tough nowadays!!]
While those who conducted the survey took measures to protect respondents' privacy, researchers say it's unclear whether the figure for men was lower because they're are more likely to avoid same-sex experiences or whether they're not reporting them. [Yeah, I’ll buy that. Most guys usually don’t pony up to the fact that they’ve smoked a pole once or twice.]
It wouldn't surprise Kat Fowler, a 27-year-old art student who dates both women and men, if men were less likely to talk about their experiences.
"There's a certain higher level of discrimination (for men). It's a lot easier for women to have these kinds of experiences and be open about it because it's more accepted," said Fowler, who attends the University of Florida. [It is more accepted for women, I suppose. I mean, I wouldn’t be completely unopposed to a girl I’m dating wanting to bring in another woman. My only rule with that would be, even if I’m not involved, I still need to be in the room (I mean, c’mon… somebody’s got to hold the camera.).]
In other findings, the survey said that about 10 percent of females, ages 15 to 19, and 12 percent of males had experienced heterosexual oral sex but not vaginal intercourse. While no earlier data were available for young women, percentages for young men in 1992 were about the same, researchers said.
Those numbers dropped substantially for people in their 20s, who were more likely to have had vaginal intercourse. [I’ll buy that too. But could you just hear that conversation playing out between the two guys?
“Um… Jim? Jim? Jim! Seriously, stop for a second. I need to tell you something.”
“Whup?”
“No, I’m serious. Take that out of your mouth for a minute, I’ve got to tell you something.”
(sigh) “What? I’m using my hand too like you wanted.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just… well… I’m going to have to call this off.”
“What? Why?”
“Well… oh, this is so tough to say.”
“Just tell me.”
“I had sex with a woman last night, and to be frank, it just felt way better than this.”
“You’re kidding?”
“Nope.”
“You had sex with a woman?”
“Yeah. And we’re going to start seeing each other regularly so, I won’t have to be doing this any longer. Sorry.”
“Hmmm… I knew something tasted different.”
“Yeah, I thought you’d notice that.”
“So, um… you want me to finish?”
“Hell, yeah! ... But seriously this is the last time.”]
Survey Finds More Women Try Bisexuality
By MARTHA IRVINE, AP National Writer
Thu Sep 15, 7:50 PM ET
More women — particularly those in their late teens and 20s — are experimenting with bisexuality or at least feel more comfortable reporting same-sex encounters, according to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. [A-ha! I freaking knew it!]
The survey, released Thursday by the CDC's National Center for Health Statistics, found that 11.5 percent of women, ages 18 to 44, said they've had at least one sexual experience with another woman in their lifetimes, compared with about 4 percent of women, ages 18 to 59, who said the same in a comparable survey a decade earlier. [Now, this I kind of have a problem with. It would seem to me that a more accurate statistic would’ve been to survey women aged 18 to 59 again instead of shortening the cutoff age to 44. Since the second survey wasn’t exactly like the first survey, could the comparative statistic be completely accurate? Would it still be 11.5% if the 45 to 59 year olds were still included? It probably would make that 11.5% a bit less. I’m just saying (actually, I’m probably just in denial about the percentage increase.)]
For women in their late teens and 20s, the percentage rose to 14 percent in the more recent survey. About 6 percent of men in their teens and 20s said they'd had at least one same-sex encounter. [I’m 35 years old. I’m not looking to date a teenager (necessarily). But, frankly, anyone 21 or older is within my ever-widening “age range”. I’m also in Arkansas, which means 7 to 8 times out of 10, if I’m going to find a 20-something to date, it usually means they’ve already been married and/or they have a kid or two. Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with dating a single mom, but if you’re going to date a single mom, then you’re also dating the kid too and that’s tricky (in a way … not in the sick and perverted way that it sounds, but in the way that if you don’t get along with the kid/s, then you’re probably not going to last very long with the mom. I’m just saying.) Since I don’t have any kids, I’d like one of my own someday. Mostly from my experience, if they already have a kid or more, they most likely don’t want any more. So, single moms (not totally, but for the sake of argument) are, let’s say, not as completely appealing as just a regular, single, no-kid-having 20-something. Now according to this, that remaining 20% of single 20-something females that I’m likely to encounter (living where I live and based on the emperical exidence I have in my perspective) 14% of that 20% are also dating or having a relationship in some way with another female. That leaves roughly 17 women in a hundred that are single, no kids, and not munching carpet (which means a certain number of those 17 females are probably Jesus Freaks, mentally retarded, just plain ugly, or all three. So, let's be generous and half that 17 to 8 datable women for every 100.).
Damn, no wonder dating is so tough nowadays!!]
While those who conducted the survey took measures to protect respondents' privacy, researchers say it's unclear whether the figure for men was lower because they're are more likely to avoid same-sex experiences or whether they're not reporting them. [Yeah, I’ll buy that. Most guys usually don’t pony up to the fact that they’ve smoked a pole once or twice.]
It wouldn't surprise Kat Fowler, a 27-year-old art student who dates both women and men, if men were less likely to talk about their experiences.
"There's a certain higher level of discrimination (for men). It's a lot easier for women to have these kinds of experiences and be open about it because it's more accepted," said Fowler, who attends the University of Florida. [It is more accepted for women, I suppose. I mean, I wouldn’t be completely unopposed to a girl I’m dating wanting to bring in another woman. My only rule with that would be, even if I’m not involved, I still need to be in the room (I mean, c’mon… somebody’s got to hold the camera.).]
In other findings, the survey said that about 10 percent of females, ages 15 to 19, and 12 percent of males had experienced heterosexual oral sex but not vaginal intercourse. While no earlier data were available for young women, percentages for young men in 1992 were about the same, researchers said.
Those numbers dropped substantially for people in their 20s, who were more likely to have had vaginal intercourse. [I’ll buy that too. But could you just hear that conversation playing out between the two guys?
“Um… Jim? Jim? Jim! Seriously, stop for a second. I need to tell you something.”
“Whup?”
“No, I’m serious. Take that out of your mouth for a minute, I’ve got to tell you something.”
(sigh) “What? I’m using my hand too like you wanted.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just… well… I’m going to have to call this off.”
“What? Why?”
“Well… oh, this is so tough to say.”
“Just tell me.”
“I had sex with a woman last night, and to be frank, it just felt way better than this.”
“You’re kidding?”
“Nope.”
“You had sex with a woman?”
“Yeah. And we’re going to start seeing each other regularly so, I won’t have to be doing this any longer. Sorry.”
“Hmmm… I knew something tasted different.”
“Yeah, I thought you’d notice that.”
“So, um… you want me to finish?”
“Hell, yeah! ... But seriously this is the last time.”]
Thursday, September 15, 2005
My Top 10 "Obscure Comics That Should Be Movies" List
10) The Doom Patrol -- They're like the X-men without the popularity or sex appeal.
9) Viking Commando -- I actually have a screenplay/comic book story for this one.
8) Dial "H" for Hero -- The merchandising on the action figures and other toys alone would be worth this film being greenlit.
7) The Metal Men -- I think a buddy of mine (Bill) suggested this during a past conversation we had. I believe he was thinking it'd be a great cartoon. I have to agree with him, but it'd also make a great kids movie!
6) Captian Carrot and his Amazing Zoo Crew -- Again, *great* kid movie matierial.
5) Night Nurse -- Don't laugh. This is a suspense/thriller just waiting to happen.
4) Mister Miracle / Forever People / New Gods Trilogy -- Screw you guys. I wanna see it!
3) Warlord -- Swords, sorcery, dinosaurs, robot horses and laser blasters; all in the center of the Earth no less! Tell me *this* won't confuse the hell out of the general public. :)
2) Maus -- make it the first R rated CGI film. It's Schindler's List meets Tom & Jerry! Seriously though, this could be *very* good if done correctly.
1) Watchmen -- I know. I know. Paramount is *supposed* to be making it. But it may never see the light of day. If it's done well, it could be phenomenal. If it isn't, it could be another League of Extraordinary Gentlemen ((shudder)).
9) Viking Commando -- I actually have a screenplay/comic book story for this one.
8) Dial "H" for Hero -- The merchandising on the action figures and other toys alone would be worth this film being greenlit.
7) The Metal Men -- I think a buddy of mine (Bill) suggested this during a past conversation we had. I believe he was thinking it'd be a great cartoon. I have to agree with him, but it'd also make a great kids movie!
6) Captian Carrot and his Amazing Zoo Crew -- Again, *great* kid movie matierial.
5) Night Nurse -- Don't laugh. This is a suspense/thriller just waiting to happen.
4) Mister Miracle / Forever People / New Gods Trilogy -- Screw you guys. I wanna see it!
3) Warlord -- Swords, sorcery, dinosaurs, robot horses and laser blasters; all in the center of the Earth no less! Tell me *this* won't confuse the hell out of the general public. :)
2) Maus -- make it the first R rated CGI film. It's Schindler's List meets Tom & Jerry! Seriously though, this could be *very* good if done correctly.
1) Watchmen -- I know. I know. Paramount is *supposed* to be making it. But it may never see the light of day. If it's done well, it could be phenomenal. If it isn't, it could be another League of Extraordinary Gentlemen ((shudder))
Friday, September 09, 2005
Assorted Crap
There’s either not much going on in my head lately to focus a “Dangerously Accurate Opinion” on, or there’s too much going on in my head and I can’t focus on just one thing. So, in an attempt to try and put something on here, I’m going to just do a scattershot musing and see where it leads.
1) A Household Word -- I honestly haven’t watched the news this much since 9/11 and I’ve never before heard so many people say my name (Michael Brown, in reference to the douche nozzle-“Head” of FEMA) who I never thought would. Just hearing almost every news anchor and topical comedian uttering the name “Michael Brown”, is both cool, weird, and slightly unsettling.
2) Diplomacy Is Over – No one really cares, but since it’s been on my mind lately I’ll mention it. The tenuous and ever-shredding sense of civility between The Former Girlfriend and myself is over and done with. It’s probably for the best. Upon reflection I really don’t want to be even casually cordial with this pathological liar. Good luck to you Nona. I wish you nothing at this point but continued misery in the Hell of Your Own Making.
3) Welcome To The Rest Of Your Life – I turned 35 last Thursday. I am in no way assuming I’m going to live past 70 years old, so, effectively I have lived half my life. The first half wasn’t too bad. More up’s than down’s, I suppose. My mind is at war with itself wondering how the second half is going to turn out (it’s the Glass Half Empty vs. Glass Half Full battle). However it ends, I know I’m still going to have to lose weight and more than likely stop smoking (which sucks, because I actually like smoking damn it).
4) Back In The Saddle Again – I’ve jumped in and started treading water in the dating pool once more. I’ll probably have more about this later on. Suffice it to say, I am currently “off the market” as it were (and for inquiring minds, yes, she too has a “celebrity look alike”).
5) Just An Observation #1 – You ever notice that handicapped parking is closest to the door, but their bathroom stalls are all the way at the end of the room?
6) A Career Move? -- So, I've been toying with stand-up comedy for 8 1/2 months now. This past week I turned in an audition tape of two of my open-mic performances to the owner of the local comedy club. I’ll keep people posted if anything comes of this. To be honest, if I could make a living just coming up with funny shit and getting up in front of people to say it, that’d be just fine with me.
7) Just An Observation #2 – It seems that my cat has made it his job to knock as much extraneous stuff off of any flat surface onto the floor. I guess everyone needs a hobby and he seems to take great joy in his.
That’s it for today. I promise I’ll have something much more coherent and amusing by this weekend.
1) A Household Word -- I honestly haven’t watched the news this much since 9/11 and I’ve never before heard so many people say my name (Michael Brown, in reference to the douche nozzle-“Head” of FEMA) who I never thought would. Just hearing almost every news anchor and topical comedian uttering the name “Michael Brown”, is both cool, weird, and slightly unsettling.
2) Diplomacy Is Over – No one really cares, but since it’s been on my mind lately I’ll mention it. The tenuous and ever-shredding sense of civility between The Former Girlfriend and myself is over and done with. It’s probably for the best. Upon reflection I really don’t want to be even casually cordial with this pathological liar. Good luck to you Nona. I wish you nothing at this point but continued misery in the Hell of Your Own Making.
3) Welcome To The Rest Of Your Life – I turned 35 last Thursday. I am in no way assuming I’m going to live past 70 years old, so, effectively I have lived half my life. The first half wasn’t too bad. More up’s than down’s, I suppose. My mind is at war with itself wondering how the second half is going to turn out (it’s the Glass Half Empty vs. Glass Half Full battle). However it ends, I know I’m still going to have to lose weight and more than likely stop smoking (which sucks, because I actually like smoking damn it).
4) Back In The Saddle Again – I’ve jumped in and started treading water in the dating pool once more. I’ll probably have more about this later on. Suffice it to say, I am currently “off the market” as it were (and for inquiring minds, yes, she too has a “celebrity look alike”).
5) Just An Observation #1 – You ever notice that handicapped parking is closest to the door, but their bathroom stalls are all the way at the end of the room?
6) A Career Move? -- So, I've been toying with stand-up comedy for 8 1/2 months now. This past week I turned in an audition tape of two of my open-mic performances to the owner of the local comedy club. I’ll keep people posted if anything comes of this. To be honest, if I could make a living just coming up with funny shit and getting up in front of people to say it, that’d be just fine with me.
7) Just An Observation #2 – It seems that my cat has made it his job to knock as much extraneous stuff off of any flat surface onto the floor. I guess everyone needs a hobby and he seems to take great joy in his.
That’s it for today. I promise I’ll have something much more coherent and amusing by this weekend.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Who's To Blame?!?
It seems obvious why the President, FEMA and the Federal Government in general’s response to Hurricane Katrina was about as sluggish as a three-toed sloth after eating three Butterball turkeys. There was, at first, no one to blame.
The first two days passed and I’m sure President Bush and the rest were waiting for Al Qaida to claim responsibility. No such luck. Although, thinking about that for a moment, how weird would it be if an Al Qaida terrorist cell out having ventured to the west African coast, set loose hundreds of butterflies in the air as a WMD powered on "Butterfly Effect Chaos Theory" to cause a repeated string of tropical storms and hurricanes to bash into the coastal areas of the United States?
Maybe I’ve read too many comic books in my life to come up with that, but it’s a conspiracy theory worthy enough to devote an entire hour to on Coast To Coast AM methinks.
Anyway...
Since there was no one at first to blame, the President, FEMA, and the Republican controlled Federal Government were caught with their collective trousers around their collective ankles exposing their massive, collective ass to thousands upon thousands of refugees.
Then, that got me thinking. The One responsible for the hurricane is going to be on thousands upon thousands of insurance documents in the coming months.
It was an Act of God.
Now, if we can go to war with an intangible “idealism” like the “War on Terror”, then why not another intangible “idealism” like God Himself? I mean, allegedly Al Qaida flew planes into three buildings and one patch of farmland. That’s kid’s stuff to what God has done. Miles and miles of coastland towns destroyed. Whole towns! A major American city virtually destroyed. A City! Hundreds of people are dead. Thousands upon thousands of people dispersed into wandering nomadic groups within their own country.
The police, unlike the brave firefighters and rescue workers that were featured so prominently in the 9/11 disaster, facing God’s Wrath lost all control of the city. Some abandoned their jobs. A few even shot themselves rather than deal with the fallout from God’s WMD.
Obviously, the first step to help the people and the city of New Orleans and the rest of the Gulf Coast to recover would certainly be a tactical military strike on The Vatican and the new Pope, then work from there. This is an especially tough decision for the Christian Right because they have just lost their biggest ally in the first “idealistic war”, the War on Terror. I mean, what a complete prick God is. One minute, He tells the President to go to war and commit thousands of National Guard troops halfway around the world, and the next minute He smacks the United States right in the gonads with a hurricane. It's like God pointed behind the United States' shoulder saying, "Oh Me! Look over there!" and then when we turned around, He sucker punched us.
No wonder the Republicans were stunned into days of inactivity. Who saw that one coming? It’s like they were all at once hit between the eyes with a Holy Ball Peen Hammer.
Oh, and I love how the blame game is shifting away from the Republican controlled Federal Government. The Feds are saying their amazing lack of lurching forward in this car crash of a national disaster was that the local and state governments of Louisiana (the mayor of New Orleans and the Governor of Louisiana are Democrats, by the way) were acting like a seat belt and an air bag keeping them from moving. Well, I must admit, I think the Governor came off a bit slow on the uptake, but the Mayor of New Orleans had been screaming for help since Day: One.
This is horrible for the thousands of people who have been affected by this storm. I feel for them and I’m sorry it happened. But, if there is any good to come of this, it’s hopefully a cast a harsh spotlight on the massive ineffectiveness of this current Administration, Congress and the Republican controlled Federal Government.
Let’s get the people of the Gulf some help, start the War on God, and then when the time comes, vote as many of these incompetent bastards out of office as we can.
The first two days passed and I’m sure President Bush and the rest were waiting for Al Qaida to claim responsibility. No such luck. Although, thinking about that for a moment, how weird would it be if an Al Qaida terrorist cell out having ventured to the west African coast, set loose hundreds of butterflies in the air as a WMD powered on "Butterfly Effect Chaos Theory" to cause a repeated string of tropical storms and hurricanes to bash into the coastal areas of the United States?
Maybe I’ve read too many comic books in my life to come up with that, but it’s a conspiracy theory worthy enough to devote an entire hour to on Coast To Coast AM methinks.
Anyway...
Since there was no one at first to blame, the President, FEMA, and the Republican controlled Federal Government were caught with their collective trousers around their collective ankles exposing their massive, collective ass to thousands upon thousands of refugees.
Then, that got me thinking. The One responsible for the hurricane is going to be on thousands upon thousands of insurance documents in the coming months.
It was an Act of God.
Now, if we can go to war with an intangible “idealism” like the “War on Terror”, then why not another intangible “idealism” like God Himself? I mean, allegedly Al Qaida flew planes into three buildings and one patch of farmland. That’s kid’s stuff to what God has done. Miles and miles of coastland towns destroyed. Whole towns! A major American city virtually destroyed. A City! Hundreds of people are dead. Thousands upon thousands of people dispersed into wandering nomadic groups within their own country.
The police, unlike the brave firefighters and rescue workers that were featured so prominently in the 9/11 disaster, facing God’s Wrath lost all control of the city. Some abandoned their jobs. A few even shot themselves rather than deal with the fallout from God’s WMD.
Obviously, the first step to help the people and the city of New Orleans and the rest of the Gulf Coast to recover would certainly be a tactical military strike on The Vatican and the new Pope, then work from there. This is an especially tough decision for the Christian Right because they have just lost their biggest ally in the first “idealistic war”, the War on Terror. I mean, what a complete prick God is. One minute, He tells the President to go to war and commit thousands of National Guard troops halfway around the world, and the next minute He smacks the United States right in the gonads with a hurricane. It's like God pointed behind the United States' shoulder saying, "Oh Me! Look over there!" and then when we turned around, He sucker punched us.
No wonder the Republicans were stunned into days of inactivity. Who saw that one coming? It’s like they were all at once hit between the eyes with a Holy Ball Peen Hammer.
Oh, and I love how the blame game is shifting away from the Republican controlled Federal Government. The Feds are saying their amazing lack of lurching forward in this car crash of a national disaster was that the local and state governments of Louisiana (the mayor of New Orleans and the Governor of Louisiana are Democrats, by the way) were acting like a seat belt and an air bag keeping them from moving. Well, I must admit, I think the Governor came off a bit slow on the uptake, but the Mayor of New Orleans had been screaming for help since Day: One.
This is horrible for the thousands of people who have been affected by this storm. I feel for them and I’m sorry it happened. But, if there is any good to come of this, it’s hopefully a cast a harsh spotlight on the massive ineffectiveness of this current Administration, Congress and the Republican controlled Federal Government.
Let’s get the people of the Gulf some help, start the War on God, and then when the time comes, vote as many of these incompetent bastards out of office as we can.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
The "Michael Brown" Site Of The Month
Y'know, I said I wasn't going to do this again. In the past, once a month, I would find a website out there on the back roads of the information superhighway that featured someone else named "Mike Brown" or "Michael Brown". It was meant to feature, highlight and celebrate all the wonderously diverse people walking this planet that had one thing in common. Namely (ha!), people with the same name as me.
It was like a socialogical study with a strong humanist undertone. Essentially I was trying to point out, no matter how different all the Michael Brown's in the world are, at the same time, we're all still just Michael (or Mike) Brown's.
In light of what has happened over the past week with Hurricane Katrina and it's after effects, I couldn't help but revive a feature that I used to use much like a floor buffer to keep the once dusty halls of DAO clean and sparkling. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ...
It was like a socialogical study with a strong humanist undertone. Essentially I was trying to point out, no matter how different all the Michael Brown's in the world are, at the same time, we're all still just Michael (or Mike) Brown's.
In light of what has happened over the past week with Hurricane Katrina and it's after effects, I couldn't help but revive a feature that I used to use much like a floor buffer to keep the once dusty halls of DAO clean and sparkling. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ...
September 2005
Yes, it's the most prominant "Michael Brown" as of this date! Click on the link and let your neurons spark as you read all about:
Under Secretary of Homeland Security for Emergency Preparedness and Response, Somewhat Deserved Media Punching Bag, Responsibility Scapegoat and All Around Douche Nozzle,
Michael D. Brown!!
(oh, sweet, merciful torture... he even has the same middle initial as me...)
Dangerously Accurate Opinions about Hurricane Katrina and the aftermath will be forthcoming in the next few days. A word of warning, however. I have no idea if it'll be anywhere near a comedic take on this event as per usual 'round these here parts.
Stay tuned...
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
"You have failed me for the last time, Admiral"
This is kind of sad news for my fellow geeks (not to mention the fans, friends and family of the man). Actor, Michael Sheard has died at the age of 65.
Now some folks I've already broken this news to have said, "I don't know him."
And my reply is, "Yes you do!"
Michael Sheard played Admiral Ozzel in Empire Strikes Back (or I guess it's Star Wars: Episode V, now).
My very poor and tasteless joke (which I know only people who know Star Wars stuff will get) was.... for Star Wars fans, would the epitaph on his gravestone be:
"He's as clumsy as he is stupid."
Here's a bit of movie trivia for you though. Not only did Sheard play Admiral Ozzel in ESB, but he was also the actor that played the U-Boat Captain in Raiders of the Lost Ark and Adolf Hitler in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
ACTUALLY, he also played Hitler in several movies. Rogue Male (1976), The Dirty Dozen: The Next Mission (1985), Hitler of the Andes (2003). (okay fine... I knew about the Indiana Jones role, but I pulled those other three from IMDB.com ... sue me.)
Dazzle your friends at the water cooler with that one.
Now some folks I've already broken this news to have said, "I don't know him."
And my reply is, "Yes you do!"
Michael Sheard played Admiral Ozzel in Empire Strikes Back (or I guess it's Star Wars: Episode V, now).My very poor and tasteless joke (which I know only people who know Star Wars stuff will get) was.... for Star Wars fans, would the epitaph on his gravestone be:
"He's as clumsy as he is stupid."
Here's a bit of movie trivia for you though. Not only did Sheard play Admiral Ozzel in ESB, but he was also the actor that played the U-Boat Captain in Raiders of the Lost Ark and Adolf Hitler in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.ACTUALLY, he also played Hitler in several movies. Rogue Male (1976), The Dirty Dozen: The Next Mission (1985), Hitler of the Andes (2003). (okay fine... I knew about the Indiana Jones role, but I pulled those other three from IMDB.com ... sue me.)
Dazzle your friends at the water cooler with that one.
I Know How To Treat My Wimmins
A loyal DAO reader sent me this e-mail the other day. I told her I’d probably put it here on the site with my [running commentary] based on my actions during my last relationship with The Former Girlfriend.
I’m not saying I’m the best when it comes to relationships, but I’m certainly not the worst. I’m also not saying that The Former Girlfriend was completely and in all other ways, heinous. She wasn’t. Looking back, I still think the Pros outweighed the Cons.
Of course, it never really mattered what I thought.
Here’s the e-mail.
-----------------------------
How to treat a Woman. Something I have learned the hard way. [Not my title]
1. If you cheat on them, they have male relatives who can and will kick your ass GLADLY! [That may be true, but I never cheated on her.]
2. DO NOT tell your friends about you two having sex. She will find out and you'll have to deal with the afore mentioned male relatives. [I never kiss and tell. And if the subject comes up, I never give details.]
3. If you know she trusts you, go out of your way to make sure that trust is never broken.[No problem there. Once the ball was rolling on the relationship, I like to think I went out of my way for things quite often.]
4. IF you're over the age of 18, don't play high school games with her. She will get tired of you and drop your ass. [I’m so old, I’m not really sure what the Hell “High School Games” are any more. Are we talking Spin the Bottle here? Because if we are, yeah, that’d get real old real fast. No "High School Games" were played.]
5. Most women enjoy just staying at home with you. [This was actually true. Especially if one or both of us were cooking.]
6. Tell her often how beautiful she is. [I did this constantly. This never worked with The Former Girlfriend. She could never take a fucking compliment, and only on the rarest of occasions did she ever give one.]
7. If you know for a fact that she loves you, don't be jealous of her being friends with your best friend. She only has eyes for you. BUT... [Yeah. That was a problem. I never knew the love-thing for a fact. And (reportedly) she flirted HEAVILY with one of my best friends quite a bit.]
8. If you act like an ass towards her, watch your best friend. He will try to get with her just to make you look like an even bigger ass. [Well, the guy I'm referring to... he’s married, and that’s all I’ll say about that]
9. Hug and kiss her often. [Did that. I was chastised for it. She said it made her uncomfortable. That I expected too much affection from her. WTF?!?]
10. Hold her hand. Women are crazy about that stuff. [Did that. This one wasn’t crazy about it. Oh, she’d relent every so often, but if we were in public, mostly it was a “hands off” situation.]
11. If you're "just friends" DO NOT talk about getting involved unless you're meaning to do so in the extremely near future. You will only hurt her if you don't mean it. [We weren’t “just friends”. She was, at the time, My Girlfriend. That much was understood.]
12. Do NOT forget her birthday-you will pay heavy consequences if you do! [Not only did I not forget her birthday, I also remembered the day of our “first date”. No problems there.]
13. If you're out and your run into an ex or friend of the opposite sex, pull your girl close and introduce her as your girlfriend. [See #9 and #10]
14. Periods are nothing to get freaked out about. They're natural. Your freaking out will only make her feel worse than she already does. [Not only was I not freaked out about it, I mentally kept up in my mind when they were due.]
15. If she says something that hurts your pride, she has good reason. You've probably hurt her more than she'll ever let on. Contrary to popular belief, women do not just go off. There is usually a good reason. [This is utter bullshit]
16. Go with your heart. Just because she may not SEEM like your type doesn't mean she's unworthy and uninteresting. [This has nothing with TFG. I thought and continue to think that she was/is “my type”.]
17. Do NOT give her the "silent treatment"---You will make her cry and then have to deal with the male relatives. [I never shut up when there’s a problem to be talked about. I honestly can’t do the “silent treatment”]
17b. If she does cry over you, unless she's cheated on you, give her another chance. It means she really does care deeply for you. If you don't, you will regret it in the long run. [Gave her lots of chances. Of course, in the end it was me asking for another chance, even if the root of the problem was hers.]
18. If she slaps you, you probably deserve it. [She only slapped me once. I didn’t deserve it. I don't even remember why she did it.]
19. If you really care about her, tell her. And act upon it. Women live by the term "Actions speak louder than words". [Did that. Again… in the end, it did no good whatsoever.]
20. If a good woman is crazy about you, don't let her go. Women like that are few and far between. [Yeah… but what if they’re just plain crazy? What then?]
I’m not saying I’m the best when it comes to relationships, but I’m certainly not the worst. I’m also not saying that The Former Girlfriend was completely and in all other ways, heinous. She wasn’t. Looking back, I still think the Pros outweighed the Cons.
Of course, it never really mattered what I thought.
Here’s the e-mail.
-----------------------------
How to treat a Woman. Something I have learned the hard way. [Not my title]
1. If you cheat on them, they have male relatives who can and will kick your ass GLADLY! [That may be true, but I never cheated on her.]
2. DO NOT tell your friends about you two having sex. She will find out and you'll have to deal with the afore mentioned male relatives. [I never kiss and tell. And if the subject comes up, I never give details.]
3. If you know she trusts you, go out of your way to make sure that trust is never broken.[No problem there. Once the ball was rolling on the relationship, I like to think I went out of my way for things quite often.]
4. IF you're over the age of 18, don't play high school games with her. She will get tired of you and drop your ass. [I’m so old, I’m not really sure what the Hell “High School Games” are any more. Are we talking Spin the Bottle here? Because if we are, yeah, that’d get real old real fast. No "High School Games" were played.]
5. Most women enjoy just staying at home with you. [This was actually true. Especially if one or both of us were cooking.]
6. Tell her often how beautiful she is. [I did this constantly. This never worked with The Former Girlfriend. She could never take a fucking compliment, and only on the rarest of occasions did she ever give one.]
7. If you know for a fact that she loves you, don't be jealous of her being friends with your best friend. She only has eyes for you. BUT... [Yeah. That was a problem. I never knew the love-thing for a fact. And (reportedly) she flirted HEAVILY with one of my best friends quite a bit.]
8. If you act like an ass towards her, watch your best friend. He will try to get with her just to make you look like an even bigger ass. [Well, the guy I'm referring to... he’s married, and that’s all I’ll say about that]
9. Hug and kiss her often. [Did that. I was chastised for it. She said it made her uncomfortable. That I expected too much affection from her. WTF?!?]
10. Hold her hand. Women are crazy about that stuff. [Did that. This one wasn’t crazy about it. Oh, she’d relent every so often, but if we were in public, mostly it was a “hands off” situation.]
11. If you're "just friends" DO NOT talk about getting involved unless you're meaning to do so in the extremely near future. You will only hurt her if you don't mean it. [We weren’t “just friends”. She was, at the time, My Girlfriend. That much was understood.]
12. Do NOT forget her birthday-you will pay heavy consequences if you do! [Not only did I not forget her birthday, I also remembered the day of our “first date”. No problems there.]
13. If you're out and your run into an ex or friend of the opposite sex, pull your girl close and introduce her as your girlfriend. [See #9 and #10]
14. Periods are nothing to get freaked out about. They're natural. Your freaking out will only make her feel worse than she already does. [Not only was I not freaked out about it, I mentally kept up in my mind when they were due.]
15. If she says something that hurts your pride, she has good reason. You've probably hurt her more than she'll ever let on. Contrary to popular belief, women do not just go off. There is usually a good reason. [This is utter bullshit]
16. Go with your heart. Just because she may not SEEM like your type doesn't mean she's unworthy and uninteresting. [This has nothing with TFG. I thought and continue to think that she was/is “my type”.]
17. Do NOT give her the "silent treatment"---You will make her cry and then have to deal with the male relatives. [I never shut up when there’s a problem to be talked about. I honestly can’t do the “silent treatment”]
17b. If she does cry over you, unless she's cheated on you, give her another chance. It means she really does care deeply for you. If you don't, you will regret it in the long run. [Gave her lots of chances. Of course, in the end it was me asking for another chance, even if the root of the problem was hers.]
18. If she slaps you, you probably deserve it. [She only slapped me once. I didn’t deserve it. I don't even remember why she did it.]
19. If you really care about her, tell her. And act upon it. Women live by the term "Actions speak louder than words". [Did that. Again… in the end, it did no good whatsoever.]
20. If a good woman is crazy about you, don't let her go. Women like that are few and far between. [Yeah… but what if they’re just plain crazy? What then?]
Monday, August 29, 2005
Gallery of Ex's
I have no idea how much trouble I'm going to get into with this post. It's something I've been kicking around in my head for weeks, and I just decided today was going to be the day. Just a nice way to start the week... with a possible shitstorm.
This is intended to be a Public Service, when or if I happen to go on a tangent and talk about my past relationships. This post will be a tool to help unfamiliar readers (those who don't know me personally) visualize the various women who are unlucky enough to be counted as my Ex's (i.e. The Former Girlfriend, The Former Wife, etc.).
BUT! I'm not posting their pictures.
I'm posting their celebrity lookalikes.
Sounds fun, no? ... Yeah, well. We'll see.
Working backwards in the timeline we'll start with the most recent.
The Former Girlfriend
This is intended to be a Public Service, when or if I happen to go on a tangent and talk about my past relationships. This post will be a tool to help unfamiliar readers (those who don't know me personally) visualize the various women who are unlucky enough to be counted as my Ex's (i.e. The Former Girlfriend, The Former Wife, etc.).
BUT! I'm not posting their pictures.
I'm posting their celebrity lookalikes.
Sounds fun, no? ... Yeah, well. We'll see.
Working backwards in the timeline we'll start with the most recent.
The Former Girlfriend
Folks, it was amazing. At just the right angle, or just the right expression, The Former Girlfriend very closely resembled my longtime crush Janeane Garofalo (which is probably the closest I'll ever, ever get to living that particular fantasy out).
-------------------------
The Short, But Sweet Relationship
Short, But Sweet is the best way to describe this particular Ex, because not only is it descriptive of her, but also our relationship in general. SBS bore more than a passing resemblance to Ricki Lake.
-------------------------
The Bitch Who Tried To Kill Me
Unbelievably, there was a former LPN I went out with for about two months not too long after my divorce that who (alledgedly) mistakingly gave me Extra-Strength Tylenol for a massive headache I had. I get a severe allergic reaction to Tylenol and within an hour after taking the pills she gave me, I went into a massive anaphylactic shock. After calling her to tell her that I was having a severe reaction to the pills she gave me, her response was to "just suck it up and be a man." Small wonder the State of Arkansas won't let her be a nurse ever again in her life. Unfortunately, she resembles the very funny Caroline Rhea.-------------------------
The Former Wife 
Oh, here's the biggie. Now, I've always said that when The Former Wife and I first met, she really resembled Elizabeth Shue (circa "Adventures in Babysitting), and I still hold to that. In fact, even when I look at her today, I still see the woman I met 15 years ago. This is the closest approximation I can give you, dear reader, of the woman I married and subsequently divorced.
--------------------
Bonus Pic!
And, because I'm not above it, and the fact that I get reminded about it damn near everytime I go up onstage when I do my stand-up comedy, here's my lookalike (until I drop 100 lbs.); Chris Farley.
It's a good thing I have my charm, because I would never get any of those fine women above on just my looks alone.
----------------------------
The lambasting may now begin. :)
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